What It Is

Jeff Foxworthy defines "redneck" as "a complete lack of sophistication. Maybe not all the time, but I guarantee that at some time in your life, you have been a redneck."

Some of us more than others.

Being a redneck does not always mean doing dumbass stunts, and doing dumbass stunts does not make you a redneck, but hey, it's pretty unsophisticated when you use upended two-by-fours as jackstands for your truck and don't stop to worry about the possible consequences. Being a redneck doesn't mean you're poor, nor do you need to be trailer trash. But if you grew up in a single-wide practicing your baseball pitches with rocks on your dad's empties, you might be a redneck.

Not every redneck drinks. But a lot of us do. Not because we're alcoholics, but because it's social. We're not all stupid, nor are we all Southern. We do, however, do what it takes to get it done (whatever that is) and don't give a rat's ass about what you think of how we did it.

This is for those of you who need new ideas on how to solve your problems the redneck way.

This is for those of you who are wondering if you might be a redneck.

This is to share your daily redneck moments, no matter who you are. I know high-class, college-educated people who have a redneck moment almost every few weeks and aren't scared to admit it. I also know a four-year-old who wolfs down Thanksgiving dinner so he can go "Blow shit up" out back with his daddy.

Redneck Woman

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The author of this blog can be reached at Dwyer43@msn.com on a daily basis. Send me a note that you dropped by, and definitely leave comments, opinions, questions, suggestions. You didn't like it? Tell me that, too. Want me to add a new page funtionality? Lemme know. Comprende?

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Saturday, May 3, 2008

Global Warning Goddammit!

In other words, it is May, and I have hereby declared it sandal weather. Despite the fact that it is 40 degrees. Fahrenheit. My remedial science knowledge tells me that if our little corner of the world is warming because of emissions, it would be 40 degrees Celsius, and I would have been able to feel my feet today.

Having spent a very fun winter wearing thick and heavy clothing, and gotten sick of it, the warm days of May are the correct time to begin with the redneck fashion disasters we are known all up and down the trailer park for. But please, people, let's not forget that the "I wear it because it's comfotable and if you can't keep your lunch down that's your problem" rule also applies to socks with sandals. It's classic. And I plan on doing it several times in the coming weeks, until it actually is Colorado's fourth season: hot-as-hell. This is not to be confused with Arizona's second season, hot-as-all-hell-and-then-some. The first season being kinda-not-as-hot-but-just-wait.

So, yes, join me in the sandal protest of this cold front. Denial always works... at least I don't believe it doesn't, right? Plus, trust me, unless you really need work boots, you don't want to be caught in workboots when the season strikes.

While I'm on the topic, let me reiterate some of Jeff Foxworthy's redneck fashion tips, as well as add some of my own.
  1. If your back is so hairy you have been shot more than twice with a tranquilizer gun, say yes to a shirt. Especially one with sleeves.
  2. If your body is the same color as Dracula's, but your arms aren't, stick with a t-shirt.
  3. If your stomach blocks your view of your shoes, cover it up!
  4. When cuffing your pantlegs, keep them below the tops of your socks. Especially if you're wearing sandals.
  5. We all love polished belt buckles, but make sure it won't does not shine sun in people's eyes. But at least they won't be able to punch you for it as long as you face the sun.
  6. Tuck your shirt all the way in, or all the way out.
  7. Don't wear one-peice jumpsuits unless the warden says you have to.

Also, other warm-weather redneck fun & safety tips:

  1. Warm gas is vaporous gas. Light up your cigaratte after you fill up.
  2. Waterskiing is ALWAYS a good idea. Unless it's not.
  3. Your car really WILL run on moonshine or other hard liqour, but only if it's carbeurated or FlexFuel. Don't bet your buddies on it until you've proved in your driveway that you won't be the only one running on Jim Beam, though.
  4. Running an engine on alcohol will shorten the life of your beloved truck, lawnmower, motorcycle, outboard, skateboard, go-kart, small airplane, weedwhacker, chainsaw, helicopter, toothbrush, or whatever else you happen to try it in.
  5. Always check the slope for barbed wire BEFORE going running down it at full tilt. Even if it's your property, there might be some there, and it leaves large holes.
  6. And most of all, CHECK TWICE, SAVE A LIFE. MOTORCYCLES ARE EVERYWHERE!
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