What It Is

Jeff Foxworthy defines "redneck" as "a complete lack of sophistication. Maybe not all the time, but I guarantee that at some time in your life, you have been a redneck."

Some of us more than others.

Being a redneck does not always mean doing dumbass stunts, and doing dumbass stunts does not make you a redneck, but hey, it's pretty unsophisticated when you use upended two-by-fours as jackstands for your truck and don't stop to worry about the possible consequences. Being a redneck doesn't mean you're poor, nor do you need to be trailer trash. But if you grew up in a single-wide practicing your baseball pitches with rocks on your dad's empties, you might be a redneck.

Not every redneck drinks. But a lot of us do. Not because we're alcoholics, but because it's social. We're not all stupid, nor are we all Southern. We do, however, do what it takes to get it done (whatever that is) and don't give a rat's ass about what you think of how we did it.

This is for those of you who need new ideas on how to solve your problems the redneck way.

This is for those of you who are wondering if you might be a redneck.

This is to share your daily redneck moments, no matter who you are. I know high-class, college-educated people who have a redneck moment almost every few weeks and aren't scared to admit it. I also know a four-year-old who wolfs down Thanksgiving dinner so he can go "Blow shit up" out back with his daddy.

Redneck Woman

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The author of this blog can be reached at Dwyer43@msn.com on a daily basis. Send me a note that you dropped by, and definitely leave comments, opinions, questions, suggestions. You didn't like it? Tell me that, too. Want me to add a new page funtionality? Lemme know. Comprende?

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Monday, February 4, 2008

Why is it that I only want to play the harmonica when I'm sick?

It's true. When I'm healthy, the word "harmonica" doens't even cross my mind. But as soon as I catch some sort of cold, flu, or other disease that I don't want to get all over my harmonica, I'm in the mood to learn to play it. I'm not really sure why. I can't play the harmonica to save my life. My harmonica playing makes Penderecki sounds like Mozart. Don't get me wrong, I think Penderecki is a genius, but an atonal genius.

Having realized the fact that I only want to play the harmonica when I'm sick, I've decided that I'm just going to go ahead and get germs all over the thing because it doesn't really matter anyway if I'm not going to play it while I'm healthy. I also figure that I'll either figure out how to carry a tune on it or someone is going to smash it, whichever comes first.

Let's talk about the harmonica for a minute. It's a great instrument when played skillfully, but the learning curve is very sharp. Either you can or you can't play it. It's always the people who can't play who like to prove this fact in public with a tip jar sitting in front of them. Whatever happened to skillful street musicians? Even in the winter when there's less competition, you're not going to make enough money to buy an iced tea.

Who invents something like the harmonica, anyway? I know I could just go look up the sucker's name, but I mean, what kind of person wakes up and says to hisself, "I'ma gonna take a plastic comb-thingy and put it in a metal case. And then I'm gonna put ten holes in that case for the air to get out. And I'ma call it... What am I gonna call it? I'ma call it a harmonica. It's gonna be a mucial instrument."

That's like looking at a bottle of burbon and an apple and saying, "I'm gonna make applesauce with this. In the microwave." That's the sort of thing that would make me wonder if you've at least partially consumed the contents of the bottle of burbon.

To all of you harmonica-challenged out there, here's a site that I have found enormously entertaining, if not very helpful. After a few hours of working off of their tips, however, I have at least figured out what note to start on. Now go forth and annoy those around you.
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