Oh, shit.

If I haven't already made you sit through my whole gun-rights opinion (oh, you'd know it if I had), you don't know that I believe in the right to posess, carry, and use handguns if it proves necessary.

But this is going a little far. Don't get me wrong, I know several people who might buy and use a pair of these pants. There's a reason I don't visit these people. They're generally a little trigger-happy, and I'd rather remain bullet-hole-free.

If you've never spent some time in the South, be it ranch country like Texas and parts of Colorado (yes, I know that's a geographical screw-up, but the culture's plenty similar), or the plantation country of the Deep South, then you don't know what I'm talking about.

Without getting into the "you can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers" speech, let me just point out that rifles and handguns are an integral part of America's collective culture. There's a reason Colt called it the Peacemaker.

Of course, we all know that guns (and the nutcases that own them), can contribute to some real old-fashioned hell-raising. We don't want that, now do we? And that's why the sort of people who would buy pants just so they can keep their Colt ready to kill with at a moments notice are probably the sort of people we really shouldn't be allowing to have a handgun.

But whether or not they have a screw loose is irrelevant. What really matters is the fact that even though it's a little dangerous for everyone involved, these people have a right to own their guns, and pants to carry them in.

Are you a Democrat, Republican, or Southern Republican?

bfisk has a very interesting question, and an errily accurate description of what different people will do when faced with danger. And it's freakin' hilarious.

You ain't in Washington no more

I got this email the other day... rang so true. Folks, when you go to the South (primarily redneck country), you're not in your element anymore. Don't make fun of 'em, okay? Especially not in front of no 10-year-olds (you'll see why). I ain't from the South, Colorado born and raised, but a lot of this is true all over the country to some degree. I might amend the "four men in a pickup truck" one, though, to also include:

"If you get stuck in a snowstorm anywhere near civilization, don't worry, two or more people (odds are, they're going to be mountain rednecks) will be along with shovels and tow chains. 'Ya'll ain't from aroung here, are ya? See, we don't go uphill this time of the year.' It's what we live for. In the winter, at least. Even if the folks in question only have cars, trust me, they'll get you out of three foot snow. We know what we're doing; don't interfere."


The North and SouthThe North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has craw fish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

(I've been made fun of for this, but it's true. Bacon grease is an excellent foodstuff, and should not be wasted.)

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin.' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

(except here in the Rockies, instead of the HILLS, where if anything less than three feet is predicted, your presence is required at work. Don't worry, we'll dig you out the first few times.)

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

(Seriously, you want green stuff, act like you don't give a damn about it)

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Are all rednecks bigots?

Skanky Jane asked me a while ago, "Are all rednecks bigots?" I've had to think about this for a long time, but my final answer has to be no, not all of us. Unfortunately, a disproportionate number of us are. It would appear that the same cultural conditions that are likely to lead to the tendency to take a straight line from problem A to conclusion B, regardless of the issues in the way (making them a redneck), is also likely tolead them to jump to conclusions about people. The tenacity to not give up when things get difficult also tends to lead to a tendency to not admit we're wrong. Mix in the fact that the racist South is the birthplace of most rednecks, and you get the tendency for a randomly selected redneck to also be a little bigoted. Sometimes more than a little.

Let's review the sorts of pop culture examples that lead to the perception of being a racist, sexist, and generally bigoted person as being synonymous with being a redneck.

In the closing scene of Easy Rider, Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper are riding their motorcycles out of New Orleans and a truck comes up behind them. Pickup truck--redneck mark #1. One of them says to the other, "pass him, let's give him a scare." Accent--redneck mark #2. You will note that they are probably socially conservative (like the vast majority of rednecks are) based on their antagonism towards Hopper, as well as their close haircuts and the demographic makeup of the region they come from. The man riding shotgun then pulls out an actual shotgun, points it at Hopper, and shouts derogatory remarks at him. Hopper flips him off, and the redneck shoots. Please note the use of stereotypical redneck traits immediately surrounding a man who shows himself to be a murderous bigot. Thus, a Pavlovian association is formed between redneck and bigot in the viewer's mind, even when someone the judge to be a "redneck" displays no bigoted behavior. Fonda stops to check on Hopper, then rides in the direction they and the truck were going, to go get help. By this time, the shooter has convinced the driver of the truck to turn around and check on Hopper. We are unsure whether this is out of human concern, or to make sure he's dead. The truck passes Fonda going the other way now, back towards Hopper, and the trigger man pulls the shotgun again as Fonda draws near, and the shot hits the tank on his motorcycle, causing a large fireball and blowing him to Kingdom Come. As the truck drives away and credits roll, one can hear the two men laughing.
Given the tendency for rednecks to grow up in the South, and the the American South's history as a racist, sometimes sexist, generally intolerant cultural area, it is not statistically suprising that many rednecks are a little right-of-center on the mainstream political spectrum. Rednecks tend more than the general U.S. population to be

1. somewhat racially biased (many without even knowing it-- heck, everyone is, just some more so than others)
2. wary & unaccepting of outsiders (remember, small-community upbringing is a common formative factor for rednecks, even if that is just a neighborhood or trailer park within a big city)
3. more outspokenly critical of anyone whom they have concluded to not be straight, especially men. This escalates to violence much faster among rednecks than among, say, your average New Englander.

However, I believe that since prevalence of these stereotypical (and accurate) redneck traits drops as cultural setting changes, it is the setting causing both these bigoted behaviors and redneck-ism, not redneck-ism causing the behaviors.

I hope that's a satisfactory answer, ma'am.

Warning: Unauthorized cars will be shot

This is a zoomed-in portion of a photo of some grafitti on a brick wall out back of what appears to be a warehouse. The graffiti in question says "Whatever you destroy we'll create it again." That's all meaningful and deep and stuff, but I couldn't help but notice the sign on the wall.

Unauthorized cars will be towed away and shot.

Welcome to our little corner of the world, where if it sits still long enough, it's probably a target.