Holiday spirit

Many of you are wondering whether you turn into a redneck around the holidays. That's mighty handy, because it gives me something to do. Maybe the holidays are the only time you're not a redneck. That's fine, too.

Many people have no problems giving fruitcakes as gifts. I believe the reason for this is as some sort of metaphor for dumping useless things on the laps of people who bother us. Most people believe that it is not a metaphor, that fruitcakes really are useless. This is not true. Just because you don't eat the fruitcakes you receive does not mean that you don't use them in some way.

How do you normally deal with a fruitcake until you can get rid of it? If your partner bought you something you didn't like for your birthday, you might keep it, you might discreetly return it. But it is found almost universally tacky to pass on that gift to someone else as a gift. And yet, the preferred fruitcake disposal method that I have encountered is to pass it on to someone else. Sometimes even at the same party. Other times, people will keep it for a year and ship it to the offending gifter, postage due.

These are unsophisticated solutions, especially taking the fruitbrick from Aunt Bea, walking halfway across the room, and giving it to Cousin Sue.


Another instance where we will behave in a different manner around the holidays is with our neighbors. The rest of the year, our relationships with them are often cordial, fleeting, and full of assumptions about the other person's opinion of us. But when the holiday season draws near, things simplify to a lighting contest. Bigger is better. Simple, unsophisticated logic.

Many of you are likely great friends with your neighbors around this time of year. You might help each other with your decorations, or go to the same parties. There is no major competition between you. You might think that this keeps you safe from making a redneck out of yourself. You're wrong. You'll see.

While I'm on the subject of holiday parties, I would like to talk a bit about Thanksgiving, the holiday that just passed. Turkey Day is often a great time for families to get together, catch up, and park on the lawn. When the party is in a remote part of Penrose (which is itself pretty remote), a paved parking area is logically out of the question. The area of ground undergoing lawn-pattern-baldness because you're letting it grow wild is a very good place to park a fleet of vehicles. They'll even knock back some of the taller weeds. That degree of parking flexibility, though, will not be available to suburbanites, or those who find themselves hosting a large shindig in their apartment, condo, or loft. Think ahead before hosting a get-together this Christmas if you live in an area that doens't have the appropriate parking. Your well-trimmed and fed Kentucky Blues won't take kindly to a visitor's Taurus. It is rather rude and will redden your neck when you allow 30 cars to park up and down your residential block just to keep them off your grass.