Gonna buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the road.

I am a diehard Mercury fan. Any Merc, big, small, new, old, running, rusted out, I don't care. I believe in american cars and American bikes. I don't like the fact that they're not built in America anymore, but the Big Three are classic American marques. That's why every car that's ever occupied the driveway has had Ford, GM, or Mopar badges, even rentals. There just is no beating them. Of course, at hill climbs and rallies, I do occasionally love to hear an Italian engine wail and howl like it's tearing a hole in Hell itself. But it's the growl, roar, and bark of the American V8 that I love the most. If I can't get that, a well-tuned V6 can do a tidy job. Dare to be different, right?



You should have heard the fellow on the other end of the phone at a certain famous mail-order parts company when I asked about anything that might maybe kinda work on a front-drive 1993 60 degree six inhabiting the engine bay of a Cutlass. He tried to help, first by trying to talk me out of it, then by giving me prices and sources of parts that might not work, but might just do the trick. The target is around 400, so it might never happen, but he helped all he could. I've got my work cut out for me if I want a high-power V6, offroadable tow rig/city cruiser.

Of course, the other car is already a "little hot rod." It's a '07 Merc Milan six. 220 horse out of 183 is pretty good. But I get the feeling it's being held back. The low end is great, but the transmission is a bit shifty. It tends to pick the gear I'd like it to, you just have to speak its language. Off the line is great (even with the auto, you can pull a great holeshot. The converter stalls around 900 if you go easy on it, or up to about 1300 if you stomp on it. By the time it shifts gears, the engine is already making as much power as the four-banger does wide open. Like I said, the pull at low rpms is pretty fun.

Handling is crisp, predictable, and smooth. I find the power steering to have a good amount of resistance. I've only felt the vehicle skid once, and that was on a wet road with the traction control off. I call it "active Positraction." I mentioned the responsiveness and low end earlier, but that's on a good day. On a bad day, things are jerky, opening the throttle is just a suggestion (the computer gets final say, since it is infuriatingly drive-by-wire). Response is not crisp, but compared with the ocean-liner handling and throttle response of the Olds, it only annoys me when the person in the right seat is being impatient and wants faster starts, later stops, and general disregard for gas milage and parts longevity. Well, she should know her daughter better. When she gets impatient and says "speed up to 60 faster" she should know that that means all four windows down, pedal to the metal, engine spooling up past four grand, exhaust note loud. I may be a hotrod enthusiast, but I'm secure enough in the machine's ability to not have to show it off. My mom just likes to get there now, even if "there" is a red light. She doesn't like not being in control.

So back to what I like to call "on-ramps with a pissed off nervous backseat driver." The Milan is not a straight-line car. It does the quarter in 15 seconds at a hair over 90, or so I'm told. I intend to get it up to Bandimere soon and get timed in an E.T. class sometime this year. I'm confident it'll lose. 0-60 in nine seconds. Those numbers are bad for a car of this magnitude. Where's the lead brick?

The car itself is the lead brick. Coming in at over two tons, it's one heavy mutha. The speedometer goes to 120, the revs are limited at 133, but the car doesn't even want to do 90. I'm sure with a long enough road 133 could happen, but I don't know where that blacktop would be. I felt it complain at 87 and asked to do more last summer out in the flatlands with my dad at the helm. Besides a Corvette or a red Barchetta, I can't think of a better mountain backroads rallymobile. But if fast acceleration is needed from 55 on up, it's not gonna happen. The low end is promising, but the stock tune can't deliver.

Of course, none of that amounts to a hill of beans, the favorite thing for my family to do in that car is to cruise it up and down the road.

Mountain Rednecks

A little while ago I mentioned Jeeping in an MG 1100, towing a big trailer with an Olds Cutlass, towing someone out of a ditch with a Mustang (with the tow rope just tied to the back of the frame). We've also driven a Mercury Milan all over Hell and back on washboard dirt and Indian reservation roads... at 80 miles an hour. By God, if we're going to break it, we'll break it during the warranty. My grandpa has hauled lumber and bags of concrete up dirt Cascade backroads; I know because I was in the bed of his El Camino one time for a supply run. You'd think he was haulin' shine or something.

Mountain rednecks may not always have four-wheel drives, but we'll act like we do. Cars can take a lot more than you'd think. Guys in a Subaru 4WD drive like little old ladies offroad. Of course, they're trust-fund hippies mostly. And not like one little old lady from Pasadena, either. Boy, she drove that Super Stock of hers. Give a mountain redneck that same car and he'll be going rock crawling. Give an average flatlander a dry creek drainage and a Volvo and he'll be parking the Volvo. Give a mountain redneck those same two things and he'll show you a fun day.

Remember this guy? I figured I'd give him another time around on the front page. It's just so....perfect.

If you're offroading on an impromptu cross-country road trip, the proper way to drive is, contrary to what that jumpy man with the clipboard told you when you were 16, actually with one foot on the gas, the other on the wheel, no shirt on, and the entire upper half of your body out the window. Even if you're driving a damned Prius, this gets you cred.

Like this man.

According to him, Priuses have enough ground clearance that if you're not all uptight and greener-than-thou about it, they make okay off-road vehicles. Plus, having your Prius towed out of a boulderfield five states from where you live is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This one made it through that trail okay, though, apparently.

Now I want to put a Chevy truck IFS with a four inch lift under a Prius, weld on a skidplate, do a mini-tub, put on 20-inch beadlocks with offroad tires, and take that to the next offroad competition just to see if it works. This comes from the same place as my desire to put a 426 Hemi in a Geo Metro, with Positraction rear and a four-speed close-ratio box and watch Corvette guys embarrass themselves.

I think I need professional help with this. I'm not sure whether that should be psycholog-i-mica-tal or someone to hold things in place while I weld. I'll get back to you on that.

Get up and get out of here. Now.

You are never too poor for good toilet paper. Even if you have to steal it. Some folks, when leaving a hotel room, go down a cehcklist: Ashtray? Check. Towels? Check. Shampoo? Check. Coffee? Check. Toilet paper? Check. Personally, my checklist is, Shampoo? Check. Coffee? Check. Styrofoam cups? Check. Toilet paper? Check. Apparently I'm not the only one.

If your suitcase contains all the shampoo and coffee from every hotel you've ever stayed in, you might be a redneck. Of course, you're paying to have consumed that stuff anyway.

One time we even took the Do Not Dsturb sign because the damn hook part ripped off while we were trying to get it over the doorknob. We duct taped it to our car window while we slept in our seats the next night.

I've noticed that the coffee quality decreases as hotel fanciness increases, and vice versa. Seriously, have you ever had Sheraton coffee? You don't want to. The only exception was the fancy hotel in Kona Hawaii, but that figures. The Motel 6 in one little podunk town in South Dakota that we stayed in on our way to Sturgis had the best coffee I ever had. I made a point of getting six bags.

My theory about this is that the shitholes want you to get up and get the hell outta there as soon as possible, so that they can move the next people in. And they know you'll come back for the coffee if you're ever in town again.

Of course, hotels actually have functional toilet paper. Truckstop toilet paper is translucent. You want a couple of rolls in your suitcase that won't get number two all over your hand. No wonder so many people keep a stock of toilet paper from the hotels they've stayed in on a road trip.

The proper way to drive

If you're offroading on an impromptu cross-country road trip, the proper way to drive is, contrary to what that jumpy man with the clipboard told you when you were 16, actually with one foot on the gas, the other on the wheel, no shirt on, and the entire upper half of your body out the window. Even if you're driving a damned Prius, this gets you cred.

Like this man.

According to him, Priuses have enough ground clearance that if you're not all uptight and greener-than-thou about it, they make okay off-road vehicles. Plus, having your Prius towed out of a boulderfield five states from where you live is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This one made it through that trail okay, though, apparently.

Now I want to put a Chevy truck IFS with a four inch lift under a Prius, weld on a skidplate, do a mini-tub, put on 20-inch beadlocks with offroad tires, and take that to the next offroad competition just to see if it works. This comes from the same place as my desire to put a 426 Hemi in a Geo Metro, with Positraction rear and a four-speed close-ratio box and watch Corvette guys embarrass themselves.

I think I need professional help with this. I'm not sure whether that should be psycholog-i-mica-tal or someone to hold things in place while I weld. I'll get back to you on that.