We rednecks like to be proud of the things we've earned. Especially when we've earned a five-foot TV or a stereo that can literally blow out our windows. Although we don't always keep up with the Joneses the same way other people do. Namely, we'll have a five-foot TV and three-inch speakers. We'll invite everyone over to watch the race and hear those 800 horse beasts on our new stereo, but we'll be watching it on an 18 inch TV.
Rednecks will watch a brand-new plasma TV sitting on milk crates. I've seen someone put their TV up on jackstands. We'll sit in overstuffed leather furniture and watch a six-inch portable black and white TV. We'll buy mountain property so our brand-new big-screen CRT television won't implode. There's a guy in Cascade who bought that property and built that glorified shack so that he could have a four inch larger television than out on the plains (they really did used to implode). We don't care.
Don't believe me? Next time you're at someone's house to enjoy their superior electronics, think about it. Something's probably amiss. Dolby 5.1 surround sound, but a two-channel cable signal. So? It's 5.1 surround anyway. Maybe they're the first one on the block with an HDTV. But they're still using rabbit ears for half their channels. All ya'll might not usually be rednecks, but you're being gloriously unsophisicated when you only have one high-end item in a system with middle-of-the-road gear. A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link, but that doesn't mean we won't buy a titanium link to put right next to it.
Showing posts with label tv. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tv. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
In Defense of Kyle Busch
It seems that almost every redneck loves racing. A lot of us love stock-car racing the most, since it's on TV every weekend, and we will plan our weekends around the races. Some of us will drive 900 miles to watch them drive 500 miles. Personally, I think NASCAR is good competition, but the "stock" part is realy gone. That is not to say, though, that the OEMs (major carmakers) don't provide some great gear for those boys.
First, let me be clear: I am a die-hard fan of the Unser racing dynasty. They are my favorite racers. The Old Man of the Mountain was competitive for years on one of the world's most unique and challenging tracks, which I have had the good fortune to grow up near. NASCAR can't hold a candle to Pike's Peak.
When it comes to today's NASCAR lineup, though, I rooted for old Ironhead before his unfortunate death at Dayona. After that, I'd love to see Dale Earnhardt Jr. go on to match his father's greatness. I think he probably has the skill, but he hasn't really hit his groove. This season, although the move from DEI was a necessary change for him, I don't think he really has his heart in it. He's content with finishing behind someone. He may not like it, but he doens't hate it so much that it pushes him to win.
Kyle Busch, on the other hand, has that drive, that desire. He has an excellent team this year, and it is obvious that Toyota has the know-how and technology to compete with Detroit. A lot of people really hate Kyle this year. He won Daytona, and he has continued winning since then at an inredible rate. Last week, he apparently crashed Dlae Jr., which made him even more hatable, but that's racin'. Unfortunately, being stuck away from a TV and out of video tape, I missed the whole damn race. That's a cardinal sin on par with missing Denver vs. Oakland.
He may be the the man everyone love to hate, but he reminds me of Dale Earnhardt Sr. He has drive, the doesn't apologize, and he doesn't care if your cheer or boo, as long as the crowd is loud. That says something about the man's character. Now that doesn't mean I'll be putting a number 18 sticker anywhere anytime soon, but the kid deserves what he's earned.
First, let me be clear: I am a die-hard fan of the Unser racing dynasty. They are my favorite racers. The Old Man of the Mountain was competitive for years on one of the world's most unique and challenging tracks, which I have had the good fortune to grow up near. NASCAR can't hold a candle to Pike's Peak.
When it comes to today's NASCAR lineup, though, I rooted for old Ironhead before his unfortunate death at Dayona. After that, I'd love to see Dale Earnhardt Jr. go on to match his father's greatness. I think he probably has the skill, but he hasn't really hit his groove. This season, although the move from DEI was a necessary change for him, I don't think he really has his heart in it. He's content with finishing behind someone. He may not like it, but he doens't hate it so much that it pushes him to win.
Kyle Busch, on the other hand, has that drive, that desire. He has an excellent team this year, and it is obvious that Toyota has the know-how and technology to compete with Detroit. A lot of people really hate Kyle this year. He won Daytona, and he has continued winning since then at an inredible rate. Last week, he apparently crashed Dlae Jr., which made him even more hatable, but that's racin'. Unfortunately, being stuck away from a TV and out of video tape, I missed the whole damn race. That's a cardinal sin on par with missing Denver vs. Oakland.
He may be the the man everyone love to hate, but he reminds me of Dale Earnhardt Sr. He has drive, the doesn't apologize, and he doesn't care if your cheer or boo, as long as the crowd is loud. That says something about the man's character. Now that doesn't mean I'll be putting a number 18 sticker anywhere anytime soon, but the kid deserves what he's earned.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Advertisements and the people on TV who should not be breeding.
There are many ads this time of year (and any time of year) that really piss me off. The first one is the weight-loss ads that are all over the TV. We all know that people overeat around this time of year, and these piranhas want to sell their speed and their snake oil and their herbal poisons to people who don't now any better. I can't watch anything on TV without these ads showing up. And I wind up shouting at the TV.
Lemme tell you, all these "this is bad for you" and "that is the wrong thing to eat" propaganda campaigns really make me mad. I have known people that have ate "unhealthy" and smoked and drank, and they lived into their 70s and 80s, without modern medical paranoia. How'd they do it? Well, first, they ate real food. Not processed food. Some of 'em raised their own critters before they ate 'em. Real food, even if it is eggs and mayonaise and whole milk and lard, is better for you than all of these chemistry-lab ingredients that are in modern processed foods. Eat canned foods if you don't have time to prepare meals. I was at the supermarket last night, and guess what I found in ice cream? Cellulose gel. Let me repeat that again. Cellulose gel. That's wood gel. That's the gel form of smokeless powder, for crying out loud. I don't want that in my ice cream! Do you know what's in Minute Maid? Glycerol ester of wood rosin. I don't even want to know how the fuck that's edible.
But suppose you eat just like you normally do, and still can't lose weight. Here's a thought that will lower your energy bill and help you lose weight without lifting a finger. Lower the thermostat a couple degrees and dress like you would if it was warmer. You'll burn more calories to stay warm. Put on some socks and you'll be fine.
Another solution? Chew gum at all times in between meals. Then it'll be too much of a hassle to go get a snack.
Lose the remote for a while. Having to get up to change the channel and adjust volume burns caloies. It also encourages you to be less of a couch potato. And, frantically looking for the remote is a good cardiovasular workout. Who knew?
But suppose you are still desperate and want to go buy whatever the lastest really expensive craze is. Well, my first response would be to shout that you're gullible and lazy. You're wasting money. Go shovel your diveway before you get a ticket. That burns calories, too.
Speaking of weight loss, and commercials, have you seen the commercial for the diet pill where, "in clinical trials, 78% of every pound lost was pure body fat." Where's the other 22% coming from, smartass? Your brain? Muscles? Bone? I'm not sure I really needed that femur... Water? Intestinal lining? That sounds like the diet pill equivalent of dysentery. No, thank you.
Now you've heard what I like to shout at the TV when a weight loss ad comes on promising some magical cure.
It's time to talk about the other things they sell on TV. Things I like to shout at. The things that convince you that you have a problem that you never had before and that the only way to solve it is four easy payments of 19.95! Call now and we'll admit that we're overcharging you by at least 19.95, because we'll waive the first payment!
A prime example of this is those gloves that they have that will sand the skin off of your potatoes. That's a brilliant idea, but there's really no way to wash them. But what really annoys me is the fact that the people who have the poblems in those ads are always acting like retards. The knife sharpener ad has the guy smashing the loaf of bread with his hand behind the knife, which he is not drawing across the bread, only pushing down on it. Then, the sharpener, regardless of what it did to his poor knife, has apparently taught him how to cut bread, as he uses light pressure and cuts ACROSS the bread effortlessly. Plus, who doesn't have sliced bread nowadays? what are you cooking it yourself? And you never stopped to learn how to cut it? Shame. In the sandpaper gloves ad, the woman is going to hurt herself or something the way she's peeling them. You don't peel a potato by having a seizure and stabbing it repeatedly.
And have you seen the ad for that food processor thing that's too complicated to use? Yeah, that. It looks simple, but how the hell are you gooing to store all those "bullet" containers? They'll roll all over the place!
There's another ad for some kind of slicer that will slice all your vegetables for you in more steps, time, and cleanup than it takes to slice them yourself. The woman in that ad is going to cut off a finger or something, too, the way she's holding the knife and then sticking her other hand right under it. I don't chop that way. Then they show her with an onion on the cutting board --whole and rolling all over the goddamned place-- and she just freaks out and starts whacking at it with the knife. She doesn't need a slicer, she needs medication.
Now, one infomercial I can say that I really enjoy is that one for the uber-sharp knives that'll never go dull or they'll send you replacements. You know, the one where they cut sheetrock with the knife, and then without changing cameras, toss a pineapple in the air and slice it in half? That is bad-ass. Like a samurai sword. I want one of those. I've got sheetrock and bricks to cut, and I could get a pineapple. That's the coolest thing to do with a big knife since Moldy Pumpkn Machete Baseball.
Lemme tell you, all these "this is bad for you" and "that is the wrong thing to eat" propaganda campaigns really make me mad. I have known people that have ate "unhealthy" and smoked and drank, and they lived into their 70s and 80s, without modern medical paranoia. How'd they do it? Well, first, they ate real food. Not processed food. Some of 'em raised their own critters before they ate 'em. Real food, even if it is eggs and mayonaise and whole milk and lard, is better for you than all of these chemistry-lab ingredients that are in modern processed foods. Eat canned foods if you don't have time to prepare meals. I was at the supermarket last night, and guess what I found in ice cream? Cellulose gel. Let me repeat that again. Cellulose gel. That's wood gel. That's the gel form of smokeless powder, for crying out loud. I don't want that in my ice cream! Do you know what's in Minute Maid? Glycerol ester of wood rosin. I don't even want to know how the fuck that's edible.
But suppose you eat just like you normally do, and still can't lose weight. Here's a thought that will lower your energy bill and help you lose weight without lifting a finger. Lower the thermostat a couple degrees and dress like you would if it was warmer. You'll burn more calories to stay warm. Put on some socks and you'll be fine.
Another solution? Chew gum at all times in between meals. Then it'll be too much of a hassle to go get a snack.
Lose the remote for a while. Having to get up to change the channel and adjust volume burns caloies. It also encourages you to be less of a couch potato. And, frantically looking for the remote is a good cardiovasular workout. Who knew?
But suppose you are still desperate and want to go buy whatever the lastest really expensive craze is. Well, my first response would be to shout that you're gullible and lazy. You're wasting money. Go shovel your diveway before you get a ticket. That burns calories, too.
Speaking of weight loss, and commercials, have you seen the commercial for the diet pill where, "in clinical trials, 78% of every pound lost was pure body fat." Where's the other 22% coming from, smartass? Your brain? Muscles? Bone? I'm not sure I really needed that femur... Water? Intestinal lining? That sounds like the diet pill equivalent of dysentery. No, thank you.
Now you've heard what I like to shout at the TV when a weight loss ad comes on promising some magical cure.
It's time to talk about the other things they sell on TV. Things I like to shout at. The things that convince you that you have a problem that you never had before and that the only way to solve it is four easy payments of 19.95! Call now and we'll admit that we're overcharging you by at least 19.95, because we'll waive the first payment!
A prime example of this is those gloves that they have that will sand the skin off of your potatoes. That's a brilliant idea, but there's really no way to wash them. But what really annoys me is the fact that the people who have the poblems in those ads are always acting like retards. The knife sharpener ad has the guy smashing the loaf of bread with his hand behind the knife, which he is not drawing across the bread, only pushing down on it. Then, the sharpener, regardless of what it did to his poor knife, has apparently taught him how to cut bread, as he uses light pressure and cuts ACROSS the bread effortlessly. Plus, who doesn't have sliced bread nowadays? what are you cooking it yourself? And you never stopped to learn how to cut it? Shame. In the sandpaper gloves ad, the woman is going to hurt herself or something the way she's peeling them. You don't peel a potato by having a seizure and stabbing it repeatedly.
And have you seen the ad for that food processor thing that's too complicated to use? Yeah, that. It looks simple, but how the hell are you gooing to store all those "bullet" containers? They'll roll all over the place!
There's another ad for some kind of slicer that will slice all your vegetables for you in more steps, time, and cleanup than it takes to slice them yourself. The woman in that ad is going to cut off a finger or something, too, the way she's holding the knife and then sticking her other hand right under it. I don't chop that way. Then they show her with an onion on the cutting board --whole and rolling all over the goddamned place-- and she just freaks out and starts whacking at it with the knife. She doesn't need a slicer, she needs medication.
Now, one infomercial I can say that I really enjoy is that one for the uber-sharp knives that'll never go dull or they'll send you replacements. You know, the one where they cut sheetrock with the knife, and then without changing cameras, toss a pineapple in the air and slice it in half? That is bad-ass. Like a samurai sword. I want one of those. I've got sheetrock and bricks to cut, and I could get a pineapple. That's the coolest thing to do with a big knife since Moldy Pumpkn Machete Baseball.
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