There are many ads this time of year (and any time of year) that really piss me off. The first one is the weight-loss ads that are all over the TV. We all know that people overeat around this time of year, and these piranhas want to sell their speed and their snake oil and their herbal poisons to people who don't now any better. I can't watch anything on TV without these ads showing up. And I wind up shouting at the TV.
Lemme tell you, all these "this is bad for you" and "that is the wrong thing to eat" propaganda campaigns really make me mad. I have known people that have ate "unhealthy" and smoked and drank, and they lived into their 70s and 80s, without modern medical paranoia. How'd they do it? Well, first, they ate real food. Not processed food. Some of 'em raised their own critters before they ate 'em. Real food, even if it is eggs and mayonaise and whole milk and lard, is better for you than all of these chemistry-lab ingredients that are in modern processed foods. Eat canned foods if you don't have time to prepare meals. I was at the supermarket last night, and guess what I found in ice cream? Cellulose gel. Let me repeat that again.
Cellulose gel. That's wood gel. That's the gel form of smokeless powder, for crying out loud. I don't want that in my ice cream! Do you know what's in Minute Maid? Glycerol ester of wood rosin. I don't even want to know how the fuck that's edible.
But suppose you eat just like you normally do, and still can't lose weight. Here's a thought that will lower your energy bill and help you lose weight without lifting a finger. Lower the thermostat a couple degrees and dress like you would if it was warmer. You'll burn more calories to stay warm. Put on some socks and you'll be fine.
Another solution? Chew gum at all times in between meals. Then it'll be too much of a hassle to go get a snack.
Lose the remote for a while. Having to get up to change the channel and adjust volume burns caloies. It also encourages you to be less of a couch potato. And, frantically looking for the remote is a good cardiovasular workout. Who knew?
But suppose you are still desperate and want to go buy whatever the lastest really expensive craze is. Well, my first response would be to shout that you're gullible and lazy. You're wasting money. Go shovel your diveway before you get a ticket. That burns calories, too.
Speaking of weight loss, and commercials, have you seen the commercial for the diet pill where, "in clinical trials, 78% of every pound lost was pure body fat." Where's the other 22% coming from, smartass? Your brain? Muscles? Bone? I'm not sure I really needed that femur... Water? Intestinal lining? That sounds like the diet pill equivalent of dysentery. No, thank you.
Now you've heard what I like to shout at the TV when a weight loss ad comes on promising some magical cure.
It's time to talk about the other things they sell on TV. Things I like to shout at. The things that convince you that you have a problem that you never had before and that the only way to solve it is four easy payments of 19.95! Call now and we'll admit that we're overcharging you by at least 19.95, because we'll waive the first payment!
A prime example of this is those gloves that they have that will sand the skin off of your potatoes. That's a brilliant idea, but there's really no way to wash them. But what really annoys me is the fact that the people who have the poblems in those ads are always acting like retards. The knife sharpener ad has the guy smashing the loaf of bread with his hand behind the knife, which he is not drawing across the bread, only pushing down on it. Then, the sharpener, regardless of what it did to his poor knife, has apparently taught him how to cut bread, as he uses light pressure and cuts ACROSS the bread effortlessly. Plus,
who doesn't have sliced bread nowadays? what are you cooking it yourself? And you never stopped to learn how to cut it? Shame. In the sandpaper gloves ad, the woman is going to hurt herself or something the way she's peeling them. You don't peel a potato by having a seizure and stabbing it repeatedly.
And have you seen the ad for that food processor thing that's too complicated to use? Yeah, that. It looks simple, but how the hell are you gooing to store all those "bullet" containers? They'll roll all over the place!
There's another ad for some kind of slicer that will slice all your vegetables for you in more steps, time, and cleanup than it takes to slice them yourself. The woman in that ad is going to cut off a finger or something, too, the way she's holding the knife and then sticking her other hand right under it. I don't chop that way. Then they show her with an onion on the cutting board --whole and rolling all over the goddamned place-- and she just freaks out and starts whacking at it with the knife. She doesn't need a slicer, she needs medication.
Now, one infomercial I can say that I really enjoy is that one for the uber-sharp knives that'll never go dull or they'll send you replacements. You know, the one where they cut sheetrock with the knife, and then without changing cameras, toss a pineapple in the air and slice it in half? That is bad-ass. Like a samurai sword. I want one of those. I've got sheetrock and bricks to cut, and I could get a pineapple. That's the coolest thing to do with a big knife since Moldy Pumpkn Machete Baseball.
