Folks, as I'm sure you're all aware, this year is a major turning point in history, and will turn out to be marked as a major turn for the worse or better for the United States and the world given time. I have done my best to keep politics and religion out of this blog, being"serious" issues that don't necessarily fit with the lighthearted, entertainment tone and atmosphere I'm going for. Being a politics junkie who is fond of waxing philosophic about the role of religion in our society, though, that has been tough, and I have a lot to say about things. Before I get started soapboxing, though, I want to ask my readers' opinions on whether I should include my commentary and somewhat cynical notes in this blog, not at all, or start a secondary blog in which I post all that. Please give feedback in email or comment form, and, as always, keep on rockin' the redneck way, ya'll!
Note: I know they're kind of buried, but I do have two new posts right below this one, so scrolliing would be good right about now.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Redneck lawns
Speaking of lawns, let's talk about the sort of lawn your avrage redneck maintains.
The average redneck lets his property grow wild, except when that means that there's something in his way. Then he takes quick, decisive action to solve the problem.
Oftentimes, the problem is that to maintain the suburban grass that came with his house, the redneck will have to water it. A lot. Who needs that?
"Normal" Solution: Water a lot, stress about grass, replant yearly.
Redneck Solution: Don't water it and hope something local moves in.
Effort involved: none.
Payoff: Lower water bill, wildflowers sometimes (for the missus), no maintenance.
Drawback: Neighbors complain (solution: ignore them)
Another issue is that the local grass, such as crabgrass or the scrubgrass which likes to grow by the side of the highway, grows a lot, and if it gets too long, one can't stand barefoot in one's own front yard.
"Normal" Solution: Poison it and plant non-local grass, bust butt trying to make it grow, stress
Redneck Solution: Mow occasionally.
Effort involved: Low to moderate, unless one loves using the lawnmower, or can ride it (even a self-propelled push-mower is good for this)
Payoff: No cut feet
Drawback: Must mow
Suppose you own a larger chunk of property, and just letting it grow wild won't do. For example, you want to turn the field into a dirtbike park.
"Normal" Solution: Spend much money excavating, bringing in soil, getting rid of soil, stress over maintenance
Redneck Solution: Ride dirtbike on it until it gets the hint
Effort involved: None, you just get to ride a bike
Payoff: Dirtbike park, no cost
Drawback: No large jumps
Suppose you own a larger chunk of property, and don't want to mow it all, but don't want the scrub to get thick.
"Normal" Solution: Expensive landscape work
Redneck Solution: Apply gasoline and burn occasionally
Effort involved: Minimal when done often enough, must dig firebreak at edge of burn
Payoff: Fire. Rich local grass, no scrub, no mowing
Drawback: Fire. Can get out of hand. Yuppie neighbors that just bought farm next door call county fire department.
Suppose you own more motor vehicles than you have garage space for.
"Normal" Solution: Sell some.
Redneck Solution: Park on lawn.
Effort involved: None
Payoff: Can keep vehicles, hold paintball/airsoft in yard if large enough and not attached enough to vehicles to keep non-technicolor
Drawback: Neighbors tend to complain. Dunno why.
If you have a lot of trees on your property, especially large fruit trees and at least one hardwood, you have a lot of trimmings, fallings, and fruit.
"Normal" Solution: Eat fruit, let much rot, throw away wood
Redneck Solution: Eat fruit, throw parties and give away fruit on good years, Make preserves. Let wood lay around and decorate the place as it ages, when properly seasoned, use as fuel for cookfire. Use large branches from occasional major trimmings to decorate, make items to sell.
Effort involved: None, unless you make preserves or dislike using chainsaws every five or so years
Payoff: More firewood than you can burn, delicious food
Drawback: Crapload of wood, fruit, tough to use at proper pace to avoid large woodpiles
The average redneck lets his property grow wild, except when that means that there's something in his way. Then he takes quick, decisive action to solve the problem.
Oftentimes, the problem is that to maintain the suburban grass that came with his house, the redneck will have to water it. A lot. Who needs that?
"Normal" Solution: Water a lot, stress about grass, replant yearly.
Redneck Solution: Don't water it and hope something local moves in.
Effort involved: none.
Payoff: Lower water bill, wildflowers sometimes (for the missus), no maintenance.
Drawback: Neighbors complain (solution: ignore them)
Another issue is that the local grass, such as crabgrass or the scrubgrass which likes to grow by the side of the highway, grows a lot, and if it gets too long, one can't stand barefoot in one's own front yard.
"Normal" Solution: Poison it and plant non-local grass, bust butt trying to make it grow, stress
Redneck Solution: Mow occasionally.
Effort involved: Low to moderate, unless one loves using the lawnmower, or can ride it (even a self-propelled push-mower is good for this)
Payoff: No cut feet
Drawback: Must mow
Suppose you own a larger chunk of property, and just letting it grow wild won't do. For example, you want to turn the field into a dirtbike park.
"Normal" Solution: Spend much money excavating, bringing in soil, getting rid of soil, stress over maintenance
Redneck Solution: Ride dirtbike on it until it gets the hint
Effort involved: None, you just get to ride a bike
Payoff: Dirtbike park, no cost
Drawback: No large jumps
Suppose you own a larger chunk of property, and don't want to mow it all, but don't want the scrub to get thick.
"Normal" Solution: Expensive landscape work
Redneck Solution: Apply gasoline and burn occasionally
Effort involved: Minimal when done often enough, must dig firebreak at edge of burn
Payoff: Fire. Rich local grass, no scrub, no mowing
Drawback: Fire. Can get out of hand. Yuppie neighbors that just bought farm next door call county fire department.
Suppose you own more motor vehicles than you have garage space for.
"Normal" Solution: Sell some.
Redneck Solution: Park on lawn.
Effort involved: None
Payoff: Can keep vehicles, hold paintball/airsoft in yard if large enough and not attached enough to vehicles to keep non-technicolor
Drawback: Neighbors tend to complain. Dunno why.
If you have a lot of trees on your property, especially large fruit trees and at least one hardwood, you have a lot of trimmings, fallings, and fruit.
"Normal" Solution: Eat fruit, let much rot, throw away wood
Redneck Solution: Eat fruit, throw parties and give away fruit on good years, Make preserves. Let wood lay around and decorate the place as it ages, when properly seasoned, use as fuel for cookfire. Use large branches from occasional major trimmings to decorate, make items to sell.
Effort involved: None, unless you make preserves or dislike using chainsaws every five or so years
Payoff: More firewood than you can burn, delicious food
Drawback: Crapload of wood, fruit, tough to use at proper pace to avoid large woodpiles
'Tis the Season
That's right! It is spring, and we all know what that means. You guessed it, dusting off the old lawnmower and cutting that there grass. This is, of course, if you happen to live in the city, where you can't do the normal redneck thing and burn your grass first thing in the spring like we do way out in the sticks. It helps it grow real fertile, but I'm pretty sure the neighbors wouldn't be too crazy about it.
Is it really true that out of all our modern technology, the best tool for troubleshooting a squirrely lawnmower is to poke it with a stick? Apparently. We had a lawnmower that we got used out of a large-item-pickup pile that just needed a little tweaking and it ran fine for over a decade. It might have taken a little bit of effort to get it to turn over in the spring, but it worked every time. Finally, a couple of years ago, it died once more, and rather than re-gap the plugs (that was the issue), we decided to buy one of them newfangled bagger models so we didn't have to rake all the clippings. Craftsman. Tools of champions, right? Not so much.
The first thing it did was shake to spark plug wire clean off, right out of the box. With that fixed, it gave us a year and a half of faithful service. This year, nada. Zip. Major air intake and fuel delivery issues, all made worse by a malfunctioning governor.
We decided to elect a new one.
After a combined fifty years of mechanical knowledge examined and troubleshooted the critter, we came to the studied conclusion that we need to call Craftsman. We've never messed with a centrifugal governor before. But that's not my point. Unless I get a redneck on the other end of the line when I call, that doesn't matter. What matters is the way we troubleshot it.
When priming and pulling didn't work, I let it rest to let any fuel evaporate out of the chamber, and repeated. Still nothing. Gas tank's just been filled. Oil tank's dry. Close examination discloses a gas spot and an oil spot right where the mower sat in the shed. No tools used yet.
With the oil tank topped off with straight 30-weight, she's all lubed and runs for a few seconds and quits. Maybe it's a fuel delivery issue-- gas turns to goo in fuel lines, carbs, and anywhere where a gooey substance can pobbily cause you sorrow over even a few months. But it wasn't an issue for a decade... so maybe it's the air side of things. That one's easy.
You take off the filter cover, check the filter. It's almost solid mud. Good lord, how'd this thing ever run? You've got a garage full of mechanic's tools. How do you clean it? A stick. It gets in between the filter pleats better than a finger, and a few solid whacks get all the dust out that'll move. While the filter's off, you notice an odd lever, caked in... you guessed it, mud. How do you clean it? Same stick. Scrapes the mud off just fine. At this point, you get some twine to tie the safety, put the air cleaner back on, prime, and pull. It runs for a few seconds, then quits. You try again, this time holding the lever you noticed earlier fully open with... you guessed it: a stick. This doesn't solve your issue, but it helps smooth the rough idle a little. You toggle the lever again, and decide that must be the lever working the governor, which is that dohickey you've never thought about before on top of you carb. Motor vehicles don't have governors.
You're stumped. You decide to stare at it and see what it does as the motor idles rough and dies again. Turns out it is fluctuating wildly, and pulling shut at the wrong time. AHA! Now you need to hold it open and see if that fixes things. If so, you've found your problem. You have a very specialized tool to control the position of the lever in question: a stick. Poking it with a stick reveals that while it's part of your problem, it's not the main problem.
Total times that you've used a stick as a tool: at least four distinct tasks, multiple times.
Total times that a stick wasn't the best tool for the job: 0
Apparently, when troubleshooting a machine such as a lawnmower, a stick really is still the best tool for the job.
Problem: Fuel delivery, air (new filter needed), governor.
Solution: Poke it with a stick until it works or you know what you need to take apart.
Is it really true that out of all our modern technology, the best tool for troubleshooting a squirrely lawnmower is to poke it with a stick? Apparently. We had a lawnmower that we got used out of a large-item-pickup pile that just needed a little tweaking and it ran fine for over a decade. It might have taken a little bit of effort to get it to turn over in the spring, but it worked every time. Finally, a couple of years ago, it died once more, and rather than re-gap the plugs (that was the issue), we decided to buy one of them newfangled bagger models so we didn't have to rake all the clippings. Craftsman. Tools of champions, right? Not so much.
The first thing it did was shake to spark plug wire clean off, right out of the box. With that fixed, it gave us a year and a half of faithful service. This year, nada. Zip. Major air intake and fuel delivery issues, all made worse by a malfunctioning governor.
We decided to elect a new one.
After a combined fifty years of mechanical knowledge examined and troubleshooted the critter, we came to the studied conclusion that we need to call Craftsman. We've never messed with a centrifugal governor before. But that's not my point. Unless I get a redneck on the other end of the line when I call, that doesn't matter. What matters is the way we troubleshot it.
When priming and pulling didn't work, I let it rest to let any fuel evaporate out of the chamber, and repeated. Still nothing. Gas tank's just been filled. Oil tank's dry. Close examination discloses a gas spot and an oil spot right where the mower sat in the shed. No tools used yet.
With the oil tank topped off with straight 30-weight, she's all lubed and runs for a few seconds and quits. Maybe it's a fuel delivery issue-- gas turns to goo in fuel lines, carbs, and anywhere where a gooey substance can pobbily cause you sorrow over even a few months. But it wasn't an issue for a decade... so maybe it's the air side of things. That one's easy.
You take off the filter cover, check the filter. It's almost solid mud. Good lord, how'd this thing ever run? You've got a garage full of mechanic's tools. How do you clean it? A stick. It gets in between the filter pleats better than a finger, and a few solid whacks get all the dust out that'll move. While the filter's off, you notice an odd lever, caked in... you guessed it, mud. How do you clean it? Same stick. Scrapes the mud off just fine. At this point, you get some twine to tie the safety, put the air cleaner back on, prime, and pull. It runs for a few seconds, then quits. You try again, this time holding the lever you noticed earlier fully open with... you guessed it: a stick. This doesn't solve your issue, but it helps smooth the rough idle a little. You toggle the lever again, and decide that must be the lever working the governor, which is that dohickey you've never thought about before on top of you carb. Motor vehicles don't have governors.
You're stumped. You decide to stare at it and see what it does as the motor idles rough and dies again. Turns out it is fluctuating wildly, and pulling shut at the wrong time. AHA! Now you need to hold it open and see if that fixes things. If so, you've found your problem. You have a very specialized tool to control the position of the lever in question: a stick. Poking it with a stick reveals that while it's part of your problem, it's not the main problem.
Total times that you've used a stick as a tool: at least four distinct tasks, multiple times.
Total times that a stick wasn't the best tool for the job: 0
Apparently, when troubleshooting a machine such as a lawnmower, a stick really is still the best tool for the job.
Problem: Fuel delivery, air (new filter needed), governor.
Solution: Poke it with a stick until it works or you know what you need to take apart.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Way to land, dude.
I've heard a lot lately that the proper way to snowboard is upright, on one's board, not flat on one's face. The main reason for this is probably the road rash I have all over my face right now from landing on rough spring ice. Other than that, though, I have had a great time on a snowboard, feeding my need to sometimes walk a knife's edge between getting home safe and coming home in a pine box.
I don't really know why some people love to take their life into their hands, toss it around, and bet it all on red 13 for a couple of spins. We all know that eventually, sooner, rather than later, our numbers will come up and we'll wake up injured or worse. Some people live timidly for decades, avoiding anything that might cause them pain, and drop dead of a stroke with a thousand regrets, or get hit by a bus, or a drunk driver, or lightning. Other people live twenty-some years, but enjoy and savor every minute. Most people don't know where on the spectrum they'd rather be.
I do know that "hey ya'll, watch this!" and getting hurt often go hand in hand, but we rednecks love to showboat, risk something (like our trucks), and be able to look back on good times. A lot of folks think that if you do dumbass stunts, you're automatically a redneck, and if you're a redneck, you'll be doing dumb things. Tha's not really true, but we do love a good risk now and again, even those of us who would rather not flirt with disaster most of the time, like me.
I don't really know why some people love to take their life into their hands, toss it around, and bet it all on red 13 for a couple of spins. We all know that eventually, sooner, rather than later, our numbers will come up and we'll wake up injured or worse. Some people live timidly for decades, avoiding anything that might cause them pain, and drop dead of a stroke with a thousand regrets, or get hit by a bus, or a drunk driver, or lightning. Other people live twenty-some years, but enjoy and savor every minute. Most people don't know where on the spectrum they'd rather be.
I do know that "hey ya'll, watch this!" and getting hurt often go hand in hand, but we rednecks love to showboat, risk something (like our trucks), and be able to look back on good times. A lot of folks think that if you do dumbass stunts, you're automatically a redneck, and if you're a redneck, you'll be doing dumb things. Tha's not really true, but we do love a good risk now and again, even those of us who would rather not flirt with disaster most of the time, like me.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Motorcycle Musings
If every time you read the letters "HD" your mind reads "Harley-Davidson" even if you're reading about a TV, you might love motorcycles.
If you know more about two-wheeled history than any other sort, you might love vintage motorcycles.
If you can sing along to "Vincent Black Lightning," you might love vintage motorcycles.
If you have a motor oil stain on your carpet, you might need a garage for your bike, you gearhead, you.
If the phrase "Move the Scout, I'm trying to watch TV" has ever been uttered by someone you know, you might have motorcycles in your blood.
If that phrase is generally followed by "But it's too cold to ride it!" you might be a Coloradan.
If you can tell a story involving the words "and then we got to Sturgis," you might be a biker.
If you have more Sturgis t-shirts than you have socks, you might be a biker.
If armor is a consideration when buying a leather jacket, you might be into motorcycles.
And, most of all, if your solution to having too many bikes and not enough money is to build one more and a shed to keep it in, odds are you love motorcycles.
If you know more about two-wheeled history than any other sort, you might love vintage motorcycles.
If you can sing along to "Vincent Black Lightning," you might love vintage motorcycles.
If you have a motor oil stain on your carpet, you might need a garage for your bike, you gearhead, you.
If the phrase "Move the Scout, I'm trying to watch TV" has ever been uttered by someone you know, you might have motorcycles in your blood.
If that phrase is generally followed by "But it's too cold to ride it!" you might be a Coloradan.
If you can tell a story involving the words "and then we got to Sturgis," you might be a biker.
If you have more Sturgis t-shirts than you have socks, you might be a biker.
If armor is a consideration when buying a leather jacket, you might be into motorcycles.
And, most of all, if your solution to having too many bikes and not enough money is to build one more and a shed to keep it in, odds are you love motorcycles.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
What could possibly go wrong?
Let me get this straight...
You build a giant slingshot, very near to a large stand of trees. You strap yourself into it and have your buddy on a his ATV tow you at least 100 feet and then let you go.
You do not bring a helmet.
You do not bring a change of underwear.
What could possibly go wrong?
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&vid=33c89eca-bd1f-4ea4-8d97-f429c2b9cee0&playlist=videoByTag:tag:most%20watched%20viral:ns:MSNVideo_Top_Cat:mk:us:vs:0&from=MSNHP&tab=m1192124571607>1=28114
If I could embed, I would. Sorry.
You build a giant slingshot, very near to a large stand of trees. You strap yourself into it and have your buddy on a his ATV tow you at least 100 feet and then let you go.
You do not bring a helmet.
You do not bring a change of underwear.
What could possibly go wrong?
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&vid=33c89eca-bd1f-4ea4-8d97-f429c2b9cee0&playlist=videoByTag:tag:most%20watched%20viral:ns:MSNVideo_Top_Cat:mk:us:vs:0&from=MSNHP&tab=m1192124571607>1=28114
If I could embed, I would. Sorry.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Are all rednecks bigots?
Skanky Jane asked me a while ago, "Are all rednecks bigots?" I've had to think about this for a long time, but my final answer has to be no, not all of us. Unfortunately, a disproportionate number of us are. It would appear that the same cultural conditions that are likely to lead to the tendency to take a straight line from problem A to conclusion B, regardless of the issues in the way (making them a redneck), is also likely tolead them to jump to conclusions about people. The tenacity to not give up when things get difficult also tends to lead to a tendency to not admit we're wrong. Mix in the fact that the racist South is the birthplace of most rednecks, and you get the tendency for a randomly selected redneck to also be a little bigoted. Sometimes more than a little.
Let's review the sorts of pop culture examples that lead to the perception of being a racist, sexist, and generally bigoted person as being synonymous with being a redneck.
In the closing scene of Easy Rider, Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper are riding their motorcycles out of New Orleans and a truck comes up behind them. Pickup truck--redneck mark #1. One of them says to the other, "pass him, let's give him a scare." Accent--redneck mark #2. You will note that they are probably socially conservative (like the vast majority of rednecks are) based on their antagonism towards Hopper, as well as their close haircuts and the demographic makeup of the region they come from. The man riding shotgun then pulls out an actual shotgun, points it at Hopper, and shouts derogatory remarks at him. Hopper flips him off, and the redneck shoots. Please note the use of stereotypical redneck traits immediately surrounding a man who shows himself to be a murderous bigot. Thus, a Pavlovian association is formed between redneck and bigot in the viewer's mind, even when someone the judge to be a "redneck" displays no bigoted behavior. Fonda stops to check on Hopper, then rides in the direction they and the truck were going, to go get help. By this time, the shooter has convinced the driver of the truck to turn around and check on Hopper. We are unsure whether this is out of human concern, or to make sure he's dead. The truck passes Fonda going the other way now, back towards Hopper, and the trigger man pulls the shotgun again as Fonda draws near, and the shot hits the tank on his motorcycle, causing a large fireball and blowing him to Kingdom Come. As the truck drives away and credits roll, one can hear the two men laughing.
Given the tendency for rednecks to grow up in the South, and the the American South's history as a racist, sometimes sexist, generally intolerant cultural area, it is not statistically suprising that many rednecks are a little right-of-center on the mainstream political spectrum. Rednecks tend more than the general U.S. population to be
Let's review the sorts of pop culture examples that lead to the perception of being a racist, sexist, and generally bigoted person as being synonymous with being a redneck.
In the closing scene of Easy Rider, Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper are riding their motorcycles out of New Orleans and a truck comes up behind them. Pickup truck--redneck mark #1. One of them says to the other, "pass him, let's give him a scare." Accent--redneck mark #2. You will note that they are probably socially conservative (like the vast majority of rednecks are) based on their antagonism towards Hopper, as well as their close haircuts and the demographic makeup of the region they come from. The man riding shotgun then pulls out an actual shotgun, points it at Hopper, and shouts derogatory remarks at him. Hopper flips him off, and the redneck shoots. Please note the use of stereotypical redneck traits immediately surrounding a man who shows himself to be a murderous bigot. Thus, a Pavlovian association is formed between redneck and bigot in the viewer's mind, even when someone the judge to be a "redneck" displays no bigoted behavior. Fonda stops to check on Hopper, then rides in the direction they and the truck were going, to go get help. By this time, the shooter has convinced the driver of the truck to turn around and check on Hopper. We are unsure whether this is out of human concern, or to make sure he's dead. The truck passes Fonda going the other way now, back towards Hopper, and the trigger man pulls the shotgun again as Fonda draws near, and the shot hits the tank on his motorcycle, causing a large fireball and blowing him to Kingdom Come. As the truck drives away and credits roll, one can hear the two men laughing.
Given the tendency for rednecks to grow up in the South, and the the American South's history as a racist, sometimes sexist, generally intolerant cultural area, it is not statistically suprising that many rednecks are a little right-of-center on the mainstream political spectrum. Rednecks tend more than the general U.S. population to be
- somewhat racially biased (many without even knowing it-- heck, everyone is, just some more so than others)
- wary & unaccepting of outsiders (remember, small-community upbringing is a common formative factor for rednecks, even if that is just a neighborhood or trailer park within a big city)
- more outspokenly critical of anyone whom they have concluded to not be straight, especially men. This escalates to violence much faster among rednecks than among, say, your average New Englander.
However, I believe that since prevalence of these stereotypical (and accurate) redneck traits drops as cultural setting changes, it is the setting causing both these bigoted behaviors and redneck-ism, not redneck-ism causing the behaviors.
I hope that's a satisfactory answer, ma'am.
Is that for you?
And other embarrassing moments avoided since the invention of the self-checkout machine.
Are you stuck doing the shopping for your family? While someone you love is in dire need of immodium? "I love you, but not that much..... oh, all right. But you owe me. We ain't changing the channel during Indy this year."
This has been a major embarrassment averted by... Checkout Machine!
A lot of fathers and husbands know this one:
*ring*
"Yes, Honey?"
"I need you to pick up some... sanitary products."
"Some... you mean... wait a second, I am a grown man. I ain't goin' up there and putting that on the conveyor belt. I gotta see these people every week."
*puppy dog eyes on other end of phone*"Pleeeeaaaase?"
Relax, sir, your supermarket is equipped with.... Checkout Machine!
It's not just at the supermarket, either. Sometimes you're at the library picking up an embarrassing movie that just came in. I believe in keeping human librarians employed and always checking out my stuff that way, but sometimes an exception must be made. For example, your documentary about gay activism has just arrived, and a glance around the room reveals that only the uber-conservative librarian with the icy stare is on duty. This could be deathly awkward, especially since you're in there every week like it's a Blockbuster.
Fear not, Checkout Machine now lives in libraries, too! (She doesn't have to know)
Or maybe you're out and about with a friend, and stop off at Safeway for some food. While you're there getting all the fixin's for a good meal of strawberries and fake whipped cream, you realize how this probably looks. If you stand in line to have a chashier ring you up, that means that both the casheir and the bagger might be getting the wrong impression, and you and your ladyfriend might get followed by some aspiring filmmaker. Solution to your strawberry fix and people getting the wrong idea:
The greatest invention since sliced bread (except not really. You can ring up your own pre-sliced bread with it, though): The Checkout Machine.
Let's talk about Cool Whip for a second. This is a fantastic invention. I'm pretty sure it's not actual cream, or if it is, there is a lot of other stuff in there with it. Cool Whip, unlike aerosol whipped creams, has a very low coefficient of collapse. That is I'm-pretty-sure-I-just-slept-through-math-class-ese for Cool Whip doesn't melt as fast as canned whipped creams do.
This property makes it ideal for topping desserts which must be made and then survive the journey to the barbeque inact. This propety also makes for some fun food fights, and allows it to stand fluffed in a bowl for weeks from manufacturing to consumption. Previously, making whipped cream was a very labor-intensive task, and, having no binders, your creation had a tendency to melt and run before you could really enjoy it. Seeing a problem, some redneck took the shortest route from point A (whipped cream a hassle, but delicios) to point B (whipped cream easy and cheap, but still tasty). In case you ever find yourself without a map on this route, it is somewhere near Route 66 and Everywhere, and at exit 252 you can get off and find Cool Whip. I can't speak to whether or not the Cool Whip will give you directions back to the interstate.
It makes sense that Cool Whip is a staple in the Midwest, especially, as part of the all-American diet. I can't say I've ever been to a get-together worth bein' at that didn't have Cool Whip. My aunt's and my cousins' weddings have all had Cool Whip in among the fancy "or-derves" once the officials had let out and the reception of liqour and stories began. Every good barbeque, reunion, and Thanksgiving dinner has had Cool Whip available, and at many of those even the non-Cool Whip vittles were housed in Cool Whip-brand tupperware. In case you haven't noticed, Cool Whip is as much a part of many rednecks' culture as using too much hairspray and growing a moustache (generally not the same person).
I am personally partial to aerosol sorts of whipped cream, given their different flavor, when getting whipped cream to top food with. You can't tip your head back and spray your mouth full of whipped cream from a plastic tub. Of course, you can't dip things in a spray can, and like I said, once sprayed, it has the self-life of an ice cube in summer. Hats off to the inventor of Cool Whip, you are a real redneck of genius. (I didn't just rip that off of a Bud ad). Hush now.
Are you stuck doing the shopping for your family? While someone you love is in dire need of immodium? "I love you, but not that much..... oh, all right. But you owe me. We ain't changing the channel during Indy this year."
This has been a major embarrassment averted by... Checkout Machine!
A lot of fathers and husbands know this one:
*ring*
"Yes, Honey?"
"I need you to pick up some... sanitary products."
"Some... you mean... wait a second, I am a grown man. I ain't goin' up there and putting that on the conveyor belt. I gotta see these people every week."
*puppy dog eyes on other end of phone*"Pleeeeaaaase?"
Relax, sir, your supermarket is equipped with.... Checkout Machine!
It's not just at the supermarket, either. Sometimes you're at the library picking up an embarrassing movie that just came in. I believe in keeping human librarians employed and always checking out my stuff that way, but sometimes an exception must be made. For example, your documentary about gay activism has just arrived, and a glance around the room reveals that only the uber-conservative librarian with the icy stare is on duty. This could be deathly awkward, especially since you're in there every week like it's a Blockbuster.
Fear not, Checkout Machine now lives in libraries, too! (She doesn't have to know)
Or maybe you're out and about with a friend, and stop off at Safeway for some food. While you're there getting all the fixin's for a good meal of strawberries and fake whipped cream, you realize how this probably looks. If you stand in line to have a chashier ring you up, that means that both the casheir and the bagger might be getting the wrong impression, and you and your ladyfriend might get followed by some aspiring filmmaker. Solution to your strawberry fix and people getting the wrong idea:
The greatest invention since sliced bread (except not really. You can ring up your own pre-sliced bread with it, though): The Checkout Machine.
Let's talk about Cool Whip for a second. This is a fantastic invention. I'm pretty sure it's not actual cream, or if it is, there is a lot of other stuff in there with it. Cool Whip, unlike aerosol whipped creams, has a very low coefficient of collapse. That is I'm-pretty-sure-I-just-slept-through-math-class-ese for Cool Whip doesn't melt as fast as canned whipped creams do.
This property makes it ideal for topping desserts which must be made and then survive the journey to the barbeque inact. This propety also makes for some fun food fights, and allows it to stand fluffed in a bowl for weeks from manufacturing to consumption. Previously, making whipped cream was a very labor-intensive task, and, having no binders, your creation had a tendency to melt and run before you could really enjoy it. Seeing a problem, some redneck took the shortest route from point A (whipped cream a hassle, but delicios) to point B (whipped cream easy and cheap, but still tasty). In case you ever find yourself without a map on this route, it is somewhere near Route 66 and Everywhere, and at exit 252 you can get off and find Cool Whip. I can't speak to whether or not the Cool Whip will give you directions back to the interstate.
It makes sense that Cool Whip is a staple in the Midwest, especially, as part of the all-American diet. I can't say I've ever been to a get-together worth bein' at that didn't have Cool Whip. My aunt's and my cousins' weddings have all had Cool Whip in among the fancy "or-derves" once the officials had let out and the reception of liqour and stories began. Every good barbeque, reunion, and Thanksgiving dinner has had Cool Whip available, and at many of those even the non-Cool Whip vittles were housed in Cool Whip-brand tupperware. In case you haven't noticed, Cool Whip is as much a part of many rednecks' culture as using too much hairspray and growing a moustache (generally not the same person).
I am personally partial to aerosol sorts of whipped cream, given their different flavor, when getting whipped cream to top food with. You can't tip your head back and spray your mouth full of whipped cream from a plastic tub. Of course, you can't dip things in a spray can, and like I said, once sprayed, it has the self-life of an ice cube in summer. Hats off to the inventor of Cool Whip, you are a real redneck of genius. (I didn't just rip that off of a Bud ad). Hush now.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Speakerphone was invented for a reason, and that's not it.
Standing in line at my local Subway shop, I got to witness an odd bit of what happens when redneck behavior collides with the portable speakerphone. The man ahead of me was next up to order and since apparently he couldn't remember what his wife wanted, he put it on speakerphone and had her talk to the dude making the sandwich, who, understandably, was annoyed. She nagged on him stuff like "make sure you get enough mayo on it. Is he getting enough mayo on it?" Which left us wondering, what evil hath this man unleashed upon this unsuspecting restaurant? When you have someone order through speakerphone, anywhere, you're a redneck. You've solved your problem. You also apparently don't give a rat's ass that it's very annoying to everyone else.
It's always white folks doing this, too. I don't know why, but it's your average "Wal-Mart when it's not on rollback IS fancy" crowd that breaks cell phone ettiquette the most.
Speakerphone is excusable when you're at the pet food store and she wants to talk to you and you want to get 50 pounds of Purina in the cart. Speakerphone is not excusable in the grocery store, at restaurants or drive-ups, or in any other situation where you could use the earpiece. In fact, if you're ordering a sandwich, have her say what she wants, write it on your hand, THEN get in line.
Basically, before you hit the speakerphone button, think. I've gotten the urge to do the speakerphone thing whilst completing one of my mom's inane "call me for details" shopping lists many times, where she'll write vague things that send you all over the store, and then talk to you like you really care what frozen dinner she gets. Dinner is not a committee process. Anyway, if I can resist the urge to put it on speaker, drop it in my shirtpocket, and stroll the isles, so can you. So just think of that little story and have a laugh next time you're tempted.
It's always white folks doing this, too. I don't know why, but it's your average "Wal-Mart when it's not on rollback IS fancy" crowd that breaks cell phone ettiquette the most.
Speakerphone is excusable when you're at the pet food store and she wants to talk to you and you want to get 50 pounds of Purina in the cart. Speakerphone is not excusable in the grocery store, at restaurants or drive-ups, or in any other situation where you could use the earpiece. In fact, if you're ordering a sandwich, have her say what she wants, write it on your hand, THEN get in line.
Basically, before you hit the speakerphone button, think. I've gotten the urge to do the speakerphone thing whilst completing one of my mom's inane "call me for details" shopping lists many times, where she'll write vague things that send you all over the store, and then talk to you like you really care what frozen dinner she gets. Dinner is not a committee process. Anyway, if I can resist the urge to put it on speaker, drop it in my shirtpocket, and stroll the isles, so can you. So just think of that little story and have a laugh next time you're tempted.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Oh hells yes
I had always kind of laughed at the fantasy football guys. That is, up until I was just kind of tooling around NASCAR.com today and found the little fantasy NASCAR link. No good can probably come of this for me, but I consider myself pretty good at picking winners, so I'm giving it a try. If anyone else here happens to also do fantasy NASCAR, comment or email me-- I figure I'm not the only one who has noticed the game.
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