Rest in peace

I have just learned that my friend Don Henderson's mother died this past Sunday, February 10th. I ask that he and his family be in your thoughts, prayers, and whatever else all ya'll do to try to will something to happen. He will be taking a break from posting his vector artwork as arrangements are made and mourning is done. I encourage you to check out his art at that link, you'll be blown away.

Now, I'm not really that into the Bible and religion and all that as a literal truth, but I do find that the cultural effects of religion, even if it's over a false idol, can be very beneficial. Just because I'm not convinced about God and Jesus does not mean that I don't try to live by the 10 commandments, or I won't recite the Lord's Prayer before emarking on a particularly risky activity. Even if there's nothing on the other side of this life, you can still be a better overall person on this side by listening to parts of what the Bible says. Just because there may not be an actual God or He may not grant what you ask for does not mean that it won't help you get through a trying time by unloading your issues on Him and asking for help. You could be suprised how often help does come in one form or another. It's up to you to decide where that help came from. Just knowing that many people are united in support of you can work wonders. So with that in mind, let me offer this.

Lord, we ask that you accept Mrs. Henderson into an eternal life in Your kingdom. And please be with all of the people that have been touched by her passing, but were touched even more by her life. We did not know her, but if her son is any indication, she was a good mother and a good woman. Thank you for helping her through her recent surgery and giving her that much more time with the people she cared about. Now that you have called Mrs. Henderson to be with You among the blessed and the righteous, though all the people she touched are saddened, please give them closure and the strength to carry on.

Rest in peace, Mrs. Henderson. You will be missed.

Amen.

Salt of the Earth

Every good redneck needs a kickass belt buckle. Wait, that's not true. I ain't good, and there are probably some good redneck folks who just haven't found the perfect chunk of metal. Well, look no farther. The people of B & K Rocky Mountain Enterprises can help you out.

If any of you want an explanation on why we wear a quarter-pound of brass just above our groin as a status symbol, well that's your problem. No, I'm kidding. That really does confound some people. First of all, you have to understand that the redneck man's idea of lookin' good and the non-redneck's idea of looking good are fundamentally different. Some of us rednecks have no fashion sense (check Wal-Mart). Jeff Foxworthy has put together a list of tips to help those rednecks with their problem. For the rest of us, t-shirts change from day to day (right, people?), pants change when they get dirty, hats are intermittent, coats are either too hot or too cold, but no matter what, you are ALWAYS wearing a belt. And you gotta fasten it. The belt buckle is the item of apparel that sums up who you are or what your greatest acomplishment is. Looking at a redneck man is like reading the tech sheet for a custom motorcycle. Look at a redneck man when he's dressed casual, and you will be able to tell from his belt buckle if he's ever won anything, and if not, what his passion in life is. You will be able to tell from his t-shirt what kind of truck he drives, what radio station he listens to, who his favorite band is, who he roots for in NASCAR, or where he went on vacation one of the past 21 summers, depending on the day. (If you ever see a t-shirt that says "I've been to timberline and it looked just like a dirt parking lot" ask him what shop he got it at). If he's wearing a hat, you'll be able to tell what redneck culture he fits in with best, what kind of vehicle he drives, or what his favorite sport to attend is. If he's wearing a jacket, you'll know what he smokes or what his favorite sports team is. Whether or not his belt matches the color of his shoes tells you if he gives a rip about what you'll think of him.

But like I said, it's his belt buckle that will tell you the most about him.

B & K is a real mom & pop company, run by good, salt of the earth people. Your belt buckle ever breaks, you ship it to them and they'll fix it for ya. Because even though that may not be good business (not charging for it and all), that's being a good person. That's integrity, standing by your product.

They sell some of the most fantastic belt buckles I've ever seen. You can profess your love for America, your love for freedom in general, your love of American motorcycles, your love for fishing, or your love for cars, among other things. Guess which one I own and wear (hint: check my profile picture).

If you're not in Denver, call and ask about the belt buckles they sell and how you can get one at one of these numbers. 303-798-6718 or 303-730-2067. Please remember that it's very bad form to call outside of traditional business hours and that those will be calculated for the mountain time zone.

I'm definitely a Coloradan

And damn proud of it. But, anyway, I'm not here to profess why I love my home state so much, not in this post. Im here to talk about what I just got in email. I'm too lazy to verify if he actually said any of this stuff, but the following are attributed to Jeff Foxworthy.

_____________________________________

Jeff Foxworthy on Colorado .

( It was only a matter of time before Jeff Foxworthy took a couple of shots at Colorado !)

You are a Coloradoan if ............

1. You switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in one day.

2. You know what the ' Peoples Republic of Boulder' means.

3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.

4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.

5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.

6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.

8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.

11. You know all 4 seasons 'almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards

12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.

13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.

14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.

15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista .

16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz.

17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.

18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.

19. April showers bring May blizzards.

20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.

21. You know what a 'Chinook' is

22. You know what a ' Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.

23. You know what a 'fourteener' is.

24. .But you don't know what a 'turn signal' is.

25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.

26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.

27. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.

28. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.

29. Thunder has set off your car alarm.

30. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.

31. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.

32. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!

33. You know where the real ' South Park ' is.

34. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.

35. Driving directions usually include 'Go over_________ Pass. '

36. You've checked for ticks.

37. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.

38. You've gone snow skiing in July and.........

39. You've played golf in January and.......

40. They were in the same year!

41. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans.

42. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is.

43. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both down stream.

44. You have barbequed in ski gear

45. You actually understand these jokes

_____________________________________

I am now going to list which ones apply to myself or to people I know.

1. It happens a lot.

2. Yes, I do, and I find it to be a yuppie term for a yuppie community that really isn't like what it looks like to snarky suburbanites. Not that I dislike Boulder, I just wanted to make that clear.

3. That's 100% true. I went on vacation to Idaho last summer, tripped me out. I nearly got 180 degrees backwards a few times, and other times I had to wait for the sun to visibly move in order to figure out which way was which. All ya'll mountain rednecks know what I mean. I know where I am in Colorado and which way I'm facing just based off of a few mountain peaks.

4. Once my cousin told me about why she's a vegetarian.... over dinner at a steakhouse.

6. That's how my parents moved back to Colorado. During a blizzard on Ratton Pass.

7. A lot of people can vouch for that.

8. I object to this one and the stereotyping of all Coloradans as neo-hippies. I also resent the stereotype of hippies that you're using. However, this one fits my 7th grade science teacher to a "t."

9. I went as the Abominable Snowman one year. I was going to be Chewbacca, but the snow had other plans.

10. Don't knock it until you've been that cold. If it's that cold in the house and my girl came to bed wearing wool socks and flannel PJs, I'd be like, "yes."

11. True. Horribly, horribly true, but not funny. You forgot the fifth season, though: hot as hell. It goes like this: Winter, still winter, spring blizzards, hot as hell, almost winter again.

13. No, I can't figure that out. My solution, though, is to bring a small oxygen cylinder like for oxyacetelyne welding and have them open that up into a bag and breathe into that for a while. That's what I, a 5280-footer, had to do when I hauled my cameras up to 13,500 feet for the Pike's Peak Hill Climb, on foot from 13,000.

14. Hey, you get an excuse, you use it.

15. Yeah, I do. You got a problem with that?

16. I haven't tried it with beer, but I do know that I'm like a freakin' fish at sea level. I can barely do 30 seconds here holding my breath, but in the ocean I can pull closer to a minute and a quarter.

17. Hey, it's the hailstorm's fault that the car's totaled, not mine.

18. I have expensive electronics, I live on a high high pont in a lightning-prone area. That's just common sense.

19. Like I've been telling anyone who asks about the weather, I am now going to just labor under the delusion that it's summer until it actually is, even if I can't feel my hands when I go outside. If winter needs to reach me, I'll be ignoring the May blizzard.

20. Yeah, you got a problem with that? Driving up to timberline counts as a white-trash Colorado vacation.

21. Grumble grumble grumble grrr.

22. And it's fun to tell the ignorant what they are after they've eaten a few. That said, rocky mountain oysters are tasty, as long as they're well-cooked and you don't stop and think about what it is.

23. Doesn't everyone?

24. That's my mom. She signals after she's already halfway in the lane.

25. Congress itself bothers me, not just one party. But yes, a bear on my front porch wouldn't really bother me. I practically grew up in the mountains of Cascade, what do you expect?

26. I've seen it.

27. That's true, man. I hadn't really noticed until we flew back from sea level one time and I could barely walk a few blocks without sitting down.

28. Nor does meeting a man whose driver's liscense actually listed his name as "Drillbit" at the gas station one time. He smoked Camels, looked to be as old as the hills, and still got carded. Go figure.

29. Thunder, lightning, and one time, hail.

33. Yeah, I do. Luckily, it's not like the other one.

34. Just about.

35. Yeah, they do, and I'll write them on a napkin for ya. If you're nice I'll even tell you if the pass in question is closed.

36. That's just logic, man.

37. Add in a huge old film camera under that parka (to keep 'em dry) and you'll have my dad and I on vacation in Yellowstone during a rainstorm.

41. It's a rite of passage.

42. All too well.

44. I admit that I added this one, but some of the other ones were obviously added by someone in the email chain. Like I said, I'm too lazy to verify all of these.

45. Tragic, ain't it?

Long Way Home: A Bigfoot Story

This is an award-winning film made by a guy named James. We call him Bubba, 'cause that's his nickname. Watch the whole movie. If you can't do it in one sitting, just make a note of where you left off. I haven't timed how long it is, but he says he hasn't got the whole movie up on youtube yet.

Why is it that I only want to play the harmonica when I'm sick?

It's true. When I'm healthy, the word "harmonica" doens't even cross my mind. But as soon as I catch some sort of cold, flu, or other disease that I don't want to get all over my harmonica, I'm in the mood to learn to play it. I'm not really sure why. I can't play the harmonica to save my life. My harmonica playing makes Penderecki sounds like Mozart. Don't get me wrong, I think Penderecki is a genius, but an atonal genius.

Having realized the fact that I only want to play the harmonica when I'm sick, I've decided that I'm just going to go ahead and get germs all over the thing because it doesn't really matter anyway if I'm not going to play it while I'm healthy. I also figure that I'll either figure out how to carry a tune on it or someone is going to smash it, whichever comes first.

Let's talk about the harmonica for a minute. It's a great instrument when played skillfully, but the learning curve is very sharp. Either you can or you can't play it. It's always the people who can't play who like to prove this fact in public with a tip jar sitting in front of them. Whatever happened to skillful street musicians? Even in the winter when there's less competition, you're not going to make enough money to buy an iced tea.

Who invents something like the harmonica, anyway? I know I could just go look up the sucker's name, but I mean, what kind of person wakes up and says to hisself, "I'ma gonna take a plastic comb-thingy and put it in a metal case. And then I'm gonna put ten holes in that case for the air to get out. And I'ma call it... What am I gonna call it? I'ma call it a harmonica. It's gonna be a mucial instrument."

That's like looking at a bottle of burbon and an apple and saying, "I'm gonna make applesauce with this. In the microwave." That's the sort of thing that would make me wonder if you've at least partially consumed the contents of the bottle of burbon.

To all of you harmonica-challenged out there, here's a site that I have found enormously entertaining, if not very helpful. After a few hours of working off of their tips, however, I have at least figured out what note to start on. Now go forth and annoy those around you.

Where they heads at?

I got an email from Alex C. (you go, girl!) asking me to talk about the iced tea in restaurants. Is it really true that almost every food-service joint on this earth has forgotten how to brew iced tea? I hope not, but it looks like it. After doing a comparative survey (otherwise known as getting thirsty in different parts of town), I have concluded that the lost art of iced tea is not hopeless.

Want iced tea at KFC? Well, you're shit out of luck, my friend. Even when the local water doesn't taste like rust, the tea does. My only explanation for this is that they use powdered tea, and powdered tea is bitter. Very bitter. Undrinkable, really. I'm not even sure they're using powdered tea leaves in my neighborhood... maybe just ground-up leaves off the trees. After cars have run over them, on a bad day.

No sugar. Why no sugar? The only sweetened teas I've found were sweetened with corn syrup, making them very sticky. The iced tea at Johnny Rockets is like this. Don't get me wrong, I love their burgers, but their tea is KFC's with some syrup added. Palatable, but not recommended.

Fancy restaurants like steakhouses and that place with the gumbo don't use bitter tea, but they either sweeten with fake sugar, or the tea is mixed weak and not sweetened. Or, perhaps, they quick-brew it and then add fake sugar. In any case, don't order it unless you have to. There is one steakhouse here in Denver, kind of in the "bad" part of town, that sells its food for incredibly cheap and yet makes the best beefsteak I've ever had. These folks have good tea. It tastes like it is probably a commercial brand but not an instant one, and they slow-brew it and then add real sugar. If you're looking for steak and iced tea in Denver, drop by Cowbobas.

Oddly enough, the only real traditional tea I can find is at roadside diners 60 miles from anywhere out on the interstate. You know, the sort of place where the waitress calls you "hun," you can stand a spoon straight up in the coffee without it touching the cup, and everything's as greasy as the oil pan of your Chevy small block.

In conclusion, a lot of fast-food places have even further sacrificed taste for convenience, nice sit-down places don't really care about how their tea is, as long as it looks like iced tea and was made from leaves, and it's the small, uexpected, out-of-the-way places that really care. And even if they don't care, they still do it the way they were taught, the right way. I don't know why most folks who put "tea" on their menus have the nerve to serve something distinctly different than the tea we all know, or why they think that's good for business, but all I can say is, "Where they heads at?" Don't be like those tools: if you're going to do something, do it right.

Time to do a little guest writing.

Seeing as I'm not hungry right now, this post will contain a lot less description of what critters are tasty, containing instead information about fish.

First, here's how to fish the stereotypical redneck way: Get a cooler to put the fish in, some dynamite, and some matches. Go to the fishing hole and make sure there is nobody around. Light the dynamite, toss it in the water, and gather the resultant fish into the cooler. Repeat as necessary. Any explosive will do if you can't find dynamite.

However, as you all know, I like to go beyond the stereotype and examine all of the ways that rednecks behave, and discuss instances where people who are otherwise rednecks behave in a manner that is not unsophisticated.

When a redneck man goes fishing, he often will do it with his buddies, searching for bragging rights. In these cases, the best lures, gear, and boats that money can buy are often involved. This is fishing the yuppie way, and I personally do not have the money or the constitution for it. But when a man goes fishing, he is doing it in a redneck manner (even if in other parts of his life he's not a redneck) when he uses his daddy's old broken fishing pole, or a pole he bought at a yard sale, or his tackle box contains as many woodworking tools as it does fishing gear. Hand-dug American worms are another point of pride among fishermen like this, the guys to whom it's not honest if you didn't have to try. That's redneck ingenuity.

Noodling for catfish is a way that rednecks and hillbillies have been known to fish. This is a process in which a large catfish is caught by the redneck wading in the water, sticking his arm in an underwater hole, and if a fish bites him, it's probably a catfish. It'll hang on, too. This is one of the most efficient ways to catch catfish, but it is also one of the most dangerous, as catfish have innards (don't ask for the technical term) down their throat that will cut you up pretty bad if you twist your hand around too much. Also, catfish territory is also alligator territory, so you never really know what you're going to get bitten by.

Now you've got your fish. Here's some popular ways to cook your fish. Remember, just because you have an oven in your house doesn't mean that you see the need to use it when you have other approaches that work just as well. We're just hungry rednecks, not high-class chefs.

Cooking fish in a dishwasher is a famous approach. I've never tried this, but I hear the way it's done is the same as formally poaching a fish in a paper bag in the oven, only you use aluminum foil. My favorite seasoning is Worcestershire sauce, but I hear that my cousin knows a guy who makes great Jack Daniels catfish in the dishwasher. My cousin tells me that the key is to make sure it's only set on "dry" or something, similar to thawing in the dryer. If you use the whole cleaning cycle of your dishwasher, you'll have aluminum and fish everywhere. basically, season your fish, make sure there's a lot of liquid marinade in the foil, and then seal up the foil good and tight. Put through the dry cycle on your dishwasher and serve.

My preferred cooking method (other than over a wood fire) is to wrap my food and put it on the engine block of the car for a long trip. It takes some practice, like cooking over wood without a thermomter or timer, but the resultant fod is delicious, if only becausr you have a hot meal when you arrive at your destination. It is possible to overcook things with this method. More detail on how to do this method later, after I've done some sleeping.

I'm not really insane.

I just love good food. Those of you who know me know that I love meat. Beef, elk, venison, fish (I will do a review of the best-tasting fish if you want), rattlesnake ( a must-try for all of you), snail, chicken, turkey, crab, shrimp, buffalo, antelope, rabbit, squirrel. Wild boar is delicious. So is pheasant, but pigeon is better. Pork. Bacon. Ham. Have you ever cooked a honeybaked ham, sliced it, and then fried those slices in a skillet? I have. Put baked beans on that and you have the breakfast, lunch, and dinner of champions. My point here, however, is that a few nights ago it was going to be a low of -2 degrees. Fahrenheit, and I'm apparently the only nutjob who thinks that's good weather to have a barbeque. Winter, due to its cold temperatures and forbidding ice, is a major damper on my carnivorous diet, and I decided that I wasn't going to put up with it. Now my ski gear (and everyday coat) smells like maple smoke and I like it.

It takes a true devotion to meat, potatoes, and baked beans to be willing to dress up in goosedown-lined pants (did I mention that goose is tasty?), thermal underwear, two flannels, wrap a scarf around your face, put on a Carhartt coat and start grilling. Chuck steak is the best cut to grill, by the way. Good flavor, good texture, doesn't cause flareups, and is cheap. The butcher will tell you it's stewmeat, but don't listen. One of these days I hope to shoot a snake and grill it. Anyway, if you've ever grilled in subzero temperatures, you're probably a redneck. If you're interested in how to not screw up the food, get frostbite, melt your clothes, or even how to get the fire started when it's damn cold, ask and ye shall be told.

I hear it's traditional this time of year to toss some shrimp on the grill, too. I might do that next time King Soopers is having a sale.

It's gonna be a cold day, Tater.

The title is an adaptation of Ron White's quip about how after he hides M&Ms in his bulldog Sluggo's jowls, Sluggo will look at Ron and say, "It's gonna be a good day, Tater."

My uncle used to live in a trailer in Edwards, Colorado. For those of you who don't know, all of Eagle County is damn cold. This man is a mountain redneck, like many people I am related to. He nearly died a couple of times of that cold until he went deer hunting and bagged a deer big enough to make a blanket out of. He sent it out to get the leather cured ("But leave the fur on!"), and would sleep under that through the winters. He said it was incredibly warm, but when you got up in the morning, if you could exhale and see your breath hit the far wall, it was gonna be a cold day. Of course, that's having no furnace. When you wake up and can see your breath in a heated house, you have a problem. It's gonna be a cold day. I don't even want to consider what tomorrow is going to be like. This morning, my breath didn't hit the far wall, and it's cold in here. Like I said, if you've been running the furnace, you should not see your breath on a mild night.

Let me give you a taxonomy of rednecks. The second-most famous rednecks are the Plains rednecks. Their natural habitat lies primarily in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and parts of Nebraska and Colorado. Culturally, they thrive on wide-open spaces and tend to have an affinity for horses and ranching. They keep to themselves and like pickup trucks, but mostly as work vehicles, not for being a yahoo. They are generally the cowboy type. hank Hill from King of the Hill is a Plains redneck. The Plains redneck, culturally, tends to do best when allowed to operate with a small-town mentality. If a small town is not available, a neighborhood association will probably be the largest circle of influence that the thinks at. These are often the most partiotic of Americans, and the most mature, being family men, and wont go looking for trouble. Most "white trash" people who fit the definition of redneck would fall into this category, both by geograhpy and by culture. Hunting is a big pastime for the plains redneck, as are other forms of long-gun shooting. The Plains redneck is also the most likely to shoot you if you trespass on his property, and in most states where these people dwell, that is legal.

The eastern redneck dwells in Missouri, Arkansas, parts of eastern Texas, northern Louisiana, Florida, and Georgia. The stereotypical NASCAR fan is comprised mostly of characteristics drawn from the eastern redneck, although other redneck species enjoy the sport. The eastern redneck is the most common redneck in popular culture. The Dukes of Hazzard are best classified in this group. Cars, trucks, speed in general, drinking, and the stereotypical dumbass stunts that most people associate with the state of unsophistication that is being a redneck are all interests of the eastern, or common redneck.

Don't confuse being a redneck with being a hillbilly. I don't have the time to define "hillbilly" and clarify things, but let me say that the two are not mutually exclusive.

The mountain redneck is a unique sort of redneck native to the mountainous regions of North America. Combining traditional redneck traits with a certain mountain ingenuity, the mountain redneck is the Midwest's answer to Appalachia's hillbillies. Mountain rednecks are found all throughout the Rocky Mountain region, mainly clustered in Colorado and Wyoming. The original mountain men of the wild west are considered by many to be the first mountain rednecks.

The high mountain region is, by nature, less forgiving than the more temperate climates of lower altitudes. The mountain redneck has adapted to face these challenges by placing different values on various sorts of mechanical goodies. The street-custom pickup truck of the East is largely supplanted in mountain redneck culture by a more functional truck, including the SUV (not the crossover type, where it is a car with an SUV shell). The Chevy Blazer is to the mountain redneck what the Ford F-150 is to the common redneck. The mountain redneck also tends to be more reserved in his expressions of jubilation, as it is quite easy to go overboard and fall 1000 feet or get stuck and freeze out in the middle of nowhere.

The main discerning feature in determining whether a specific person tends to fall into the mountain or common redneck categories is, actually, their original geography. Coming from a mountain culture and being a redneck makes you a mountain redneck, unless you do not apply your specific twist to the situation. For example, in the situation above, if my uncle did not live at such a high elevation, he would not have that problem, and thus he must either leave the area, freeze, or use the unique skills learned by those who have literally frozen their asses off before.

The entertainment forms enjoyed by the mountain redneck trend more towards hill climbs than with the common redneck, as well as placing more of an emphasis on winter sports and rock climbing. The rodeo is still popular, but far less than in an area consisting of a mix of Plains and Eastern rednecks.

Some people also include the Dakotas and north-eastern Wyoming in the mountain redneck category, as their winters are harsh and the badlands are a unique geographical problem. The experts are still debating this, as we wait to dispatch a delegation of rednecks to South Dakota to counterbalance the reporting bias caused by the fact that there is not much non-biker redneck traffic through the region.

__________________________________________

Also, please note that a common redneck behavior is the towel-steal. Hardly unique to the redneck population, stealing hotel towels is actually a a mainstream activity. However, finding an excuse to stay at the Motel 8, such as attending a race, every time you need a new set of towels even though you can afford new towels from a store is likely to peg you as a redneck, since you don't see why it may make you look trashy to have towels in your bathroom monogrammed in Sharpie next to the Motel 8 logo. At least it's a nice monogram.

My name's Jean, I am a politics junkie, and I do not have a survey problem.

Seriously. The only things that I will not tape over to record a political event are motor races, music, and home movies. I would probably tape over porn to record the '08 election results (one tape for every news network, mixed down to one after the night is over) if I ran out of blank tapes, and had porn on tape.

Being the politics junkie that I am, I am a huge fan of this blog, which delves into the math of the elections. I love math, too. Math is delicious. Give me politics, math, and motorcycles, and I will never leave. Give me any two of the above (Paul Sr. from OCC should run for president), and I will be happy all day.

As for my survey problem, unlike some people I know, I do not have one. I am not addicted. But when I ran into this one, I had to try it. You will probably not be finding all of Side 4 on myspace, as I can't get my bloody master tapes digitized. (If you --anyone-- could teach me how to digitize music, especially in quadrophonic but stereo and monophonic are fine, you would be my hero and I will send you cash).

DIRECTIONS:Go to the Wikipedia home page and click "random article". That is your band's name.
Click random article again; that is your album name.
Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.

Now, being a fan of 5 minute and longer songs, this would have to be a double-LP. Yes, I do mean vinyl.

Band name: Recoil. That is so badass, I wish I had thought of it.

Album name: Ralstonia Metallidurans (Say that five times fast.)

Side 1:
1. Stopping Power
2. Capitoline Triad
3. Aubin Nom (I took the liberty of taking wikipedia's (name) and translating it)

Side 2:
1. Pogonia Coat of Arms
2. Komatsu 830E
3. Penken
4. Mayrhofen

Side 3:
1. Minnesota's 5th congressional district (okaaay.... wait, I can write a song for that!)
2. Duke of Brunswick-Lunenburg
3. John Jasperse (I can totally write a song for that, too.)
4. Coventry Bears

Side 4:
1. USS Camden (AOE-2) ( I may drop the AOE-2 bit for the song...)
2. Seagate ST1 (Dude, 12-gigabytes?! That small?!)
3. Slade Hall (this would be fun to wite, too)
4. Burns Flat (I'm dropping the Oklahoma part)
5. Rocketplane Kistler

You know what I just learned reading about Burns Flat? "It is near the Clinton-Sherman Industrial Airpark which is a licenced spaceport expecting to start commercial manned spaceflight starting in 2008." HOLY CRAP! I was not informed.

I seriously cannot wait to go record the songs for Side 4. Just because ya'll will never hear them is because ya'll are lazy, and need to ask people. I've already asked people. They tried to sell me a new recording machine, after having been the ones to sell me my beloved four-track.