Seeing as I'm not hungry right now, this post will contain a lot less description of what critters are tasty, containing instead information about fish.
First, here's how to fish the stereotypical redneck way: Get a cooler to put the fish in, some dynamite, and some matches. Go to the fishing hole and make sure there is nobody around. Light the dynamite, toss it in the water, and gather the resultant fish into the cooler. Repeat as necessary. Any explosive will do if you can't find dynamite.
However, as you all know, I like to go beyond the stereotype and examine all of the ways that rednecks behave, and discuss instances where people who are otherwise rednecks behave in a manner that is not unsophisticated.
When a redneck man goes fishing, he often will do it with his buddies, searching for bragging rights. In these cases, the best lures, gear, and boats that money can buy are often involved. This is fishing the yuppie way, and I personally do not have the money or the constitution for it. But when a man goes fishing, he is doing it in a redneck manner (even if in other parts of his life he's not a redneck) when he uses his daddy's old broken fishing pole, or a pole he bought at a yard sale, or his tackle box contains as many woodworking tools as it does fishing gear. Hand-dug American worms are another point of pride among fishermen like this, the guys to whom it's not honest if you didn't have to try. That's redneck ingenuity.
Noodling for catfish is a way that rednecks and hillbillies have been known to fish. This is a process in which a large catfish is caught by the redneck wading in the water, sticking his arm in an underwater hole, and if a fish bites him, it's probably a catfish. It'll hang on, too. This is one of the most efficient ways to catch catfish, but it is also one of the most dangerous, as catfish have innards (don't ask for the technical term) down their throat that will cut you up pretty bad if you twist your hand around too much. Also, catfish territory is also alligator territory, so you never really know what you're going to get bitten by.
Now you've got your fish. Here's some popular ways to cook your fish. Remember, just because you have an oven in your house doesn't mean that you see the need to use it when you have other approaches that work just as well. We're just hungry rednecks, not high-class chefs.
Cooking fish in a dishwasher is a famous approach. I've never tried this, but I hear the way it's done is the same as formally poaching a fish in a paper bag in the oven, only you use aluminum foil. My favorite seasoning is Worcestershire sauce, but I hear that my cousin knows a guy who makes great Jack Daniels catfish in the dishwasher. My cousin tells me that the key is to make sure it's only set on "dry" or something, similar to thawing in the dryer. If you use the whole cleaning cycle of your dishwasher, you'll have aluminum and fish everywhere. basically, season your fish, make sure there's a lot of liquid marinade in the foil, and then seal up the foil good and tight. Put through the dry cycle on your dishwasher and serve.
My preferred cooking method (other than over a wood fire) is to wrap my food and put it on the engine block of the car for a long trip. It takes some practice, like cooking over wood without a thermomter or timer, but the resultant fod is delicious, if only becausr you have a hot meal when you arrive at your destination. It is possible to overcook things with this method. More detail on how to do this method later, after I've done some sleeping.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I'm not really insane.
I just love good food. Those of you who know me know that I love meat. Beef, elk, venison, fish (I will do a review of the best-tasting fish if you want), rattlesnake ( a must-try for all of you), snail, chicken, turkey, crab, shrimp, buffalo, antelope, rabbit, squirrel. Wild boar is delicious. So is pheasant, but pigeon is better. Pork. Bacon. Ham. Have you ever cooked a honeybaked ham, sliced it, and then fried those slices in a skillet? I have. Put baked beans on that and you have the breakfast, lunch, and dinner of champions. My point here, however, is that a few nights ago it was going to be a low of -2 degrees. Fahrenheit, and I'm apparently the only nutjob who thinks that's good weather to have a barbeque. Winter, due to its cold temperatures and forbidding ice, is a major damper on my carnivorous diet, and I decided that I wasn't going to put up with it. Now my ski gear (and everyday coat) smells like maple smoke and I like it.
It takes a true devotion to meat, potatoes, and baked beans to be willing to dress up in goosedown-lined pants (did I mention that goose is tasty?), thermal underwear, two flannels, wrap a scarf around your face, put on a Carhartt coat and start grilling. Chuck steak is the best cut to grill, by the way. Good flavor, good texture, doesn't cause flareups, and is cheap. The butcher will tell you it's stewmeat, but don't listen. One of these days I hope to shoot a snake and grill it. Anyway, if you've ever grilled in subzero temperatures, you're probably a redneck. If you're interested in how to not screw up the food, get frostbite, melt your clothes, or even how to get the fire started when it's damn cold, ask and ye shall be told.
I hear it's traditional this time of year to toss some shrimp on the grill, too. I might do that next time King Soopers is having a sale.
It takes a true devotion to meat, potatoes, and baked beans to be willing to dress up in goosedown-lined pants (did I mention that goose is tasty?), thermal underwear, two flannels, wrap a scarf around your face, put on a Carhartt coat and start grilling. Chuck steak is the best cut to grill, by the way. Good flavor, good texture, doesn't cause flareups, and is cheap. The butcher will tell you it's stewmeat, but don't listen. One of these days I hope to shoot a snake and grill it. Anyway, if you've ever grilled in subzero temperatures, you're probably a redneck. If you're interested in how to not screw up the food, get frostbite, melt your clothes, or even how to get the fire started when it's damn cold, ask and ye shall be told.
I hear it's traditional this time of year to toss some shrimp on the grill, too. I might do that next time King Soopers is having a sale.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
It's gonna be a cold day, Tater.
The title is an adaptation of Ron White's quip about how after he hides M&Ms in his bulldog Sluggo's jowls, Sluggo will look at Ron and say, "It's gonna be a good day, Tater."
My uncle used to live in a trailer in Edwards, Colorado. For those of you who don't know, all of Eagle County is damn cold. This man is a mountain redneck, like many people I am related to. He nearly died a couple of times of that cold until he went deer hunting and bagged a deer big enough to make a blanket out of. He sent it out to get the leather cured ("But leave the fur on!"), and would sleep under that through the winters. He said it was incredibly warm, but when you got up in the morning, if you could exhale and see your breath hit the far wall, it was gonna be a cold day. Of course, that's having no furnace. When you wake up and can see your breath in a heated house, you have a problem. It's gonna be a cold day. I don't even want to consider what tomorrow is going to be like. This morning, my breath didn't hit the far wall, and it's cold in here. Like I said, if you've been running the furnace, you should not see your breath on a mild night.
Let me give you a taxonomy of rednecks. The second-most famous rednecks are the Plains rednecks. Their natural habitat lies primarily in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and parts of Nebraska and Colorado. Culturally, they thrive on wide-open spaces and tend to have an affinity for horses and ranching. They keep to themselves and like pickup trucks, but mostly as work vehicles, not for being a yahoo. They are generally the cowboy type. hank Hill from King of the Hill is a Plains redneck. The Plains redneck, culturally, tends to do best when allowed to operate with a small-town mentality. If a small town is not available, a neighborhood association will probably be the largest circle of influence that the thinks at. These are often the most partiotic of Americans, and the most mature, being family men, and wont go looking for trouble. Most "white trash" people who fit the definition of redneck would fall into this category, both by geograhpy and by culture. Hunting is a big pastime for the plains redneck, as are other forms of long-gun shooting. The Plains redneck is also the most likely to shoot you if you trespass on his property, and in most states where these people dwell, that is legal.
The eastern redneck dwells in Missouri, Arkansas, parts of eastern Texas, northern Louisiana, Florida, and Georgia. The stereotypical NASCAR fan is comprised mostly of characteristics drawn from the eastern redneck, although other redneck species enjoy the sport. The eastern redneck is the most common redneck in popular culture. The Dukes of Hazzard are best classified in this group. Cars, trucks, speed in general, drinking, and the stereotypical dumbass stunts that most people associate with the state of unsophistication that is being a redneck are all interests of the eastern, or common redneck.
Don't confuse being a redneck with being a hillbilly. I don't have the time to define "hillbilly" and clarify things, but let me say that the two are not mutually exclusive.
The mountain redneck is a unique sort of redneck native to the mountainous regions of North America. Combining traditional redneck traits with a certain mountain ingenuity, the mountain redneck is the Midwest's answer to Appalachia's hillbillies. Mountain rednecks are found all throughout the Rocky Mountain region, mainly clustered in Colorado and Wyoming. The original mountain men of the wild west are considered by many to be the first mountain rednecks.
The high mountain region is, by nature, less forgiving than the more temperate climates of lower altitudes. The mountain redneck has adapted to face these challenges by placing different values on various sorts of mechanical goodies. The street-custom pickup truck of the East is largely supplanted in mountain redneck culture by a more functional truck, including the SUV (not the crossover type, where it is a car with an SUV shell). The Chevy Blazer is to the mountain redneck what the Ford F-150 is to the common redneck. The mountain redneck also tends to be more reserved in his expressions of jubilation, as it is quite easy to go overboard and fall 1000 feet or get stuck and freeze out in the middle of nowhere.
The main discerning feature in determining whether a specific person tends to fall into the mountain or common redneck categories is, actually, their original geography. Coming from a mountain culture and being a redneck makes you a mountain redneck, unless you do not apply your specific twist to the situation. For example, in the situation above, if my uncle did not live at such a high elevation, he would not have that problem, and thus he must either leave the area, freeze, or use the unique skills learned by those who have literally frozen their asses off before.
The entertainment forms enjoyed by the mountain redneck trend more towards hill climbs than with the common redneck, as well as placing more of an emphasis on winter sports and rock climbing. The rodeo is still popular, but far less than in an area consisting of a mix of Plains and Eastern rednecks.
Some people also include the Dakotas and north-eastern Wyoming in the mountain redneck category, as their winters are harsh and the badlands are a unique geographical problem. The experts are still debating this, as we wait to dispatch a delegation of rednecks to South Dakota to counterbalance the reporting bias caused by the fact that there is not much non-biker redneck traffic through the region.
__________________________________________
Also, please note that a common redneck behavior is the towel-steal. Hardly unique to the redneck population, stealing hotel towels is actually a a mainstream activity. However, finding an excuse to stay at the Motel 8, such as attending a race, every time you need a new set of towels even though you can afford new towels from a store is likely to peg you as a redneck, since you don't see why it may make you look trashy to have towels in your bathroom monogrammed in Sharpie next to the Motel 8 logo. At least it's a nice monogram.
My uncle used to live in a trailer in Edwards, Colorado. For those of you who don't know, all of Eagle County is damn cold. This man is a mountain redneck, like many people I am related to. He nearly died a couple of times of that cold until he went deer hunting and bagged a deer big enough to make a blanket out of. He sent it out to get the leather cured ("But leave the fur on!"), and would sleep under that through the winters. He said it was incredibly warm, but when you got up in the morning, if you could exhale and see your breath hit the far wall, it was gonna be a cold day. Of course, that's having no furnace. When you wake up and can see your breath in a heated house, you have a problem. It's gonna be a cold day. I don't even want to consider what tomorrow is going to be like. This morning, my breath didn't hit the far wall, and it's cold in here. Like I said, if you've been running the furnace, you should not see your breath on a mild night.
Let me give you a taxonomy of rednecks. The second-most famous rednecks are the Plains rednecks. Their natural habitat lies primarily in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and parts of Nebraska and Colorado. Culturally, they thrive on wide-open spaces and tend to have an affinity for horses and ranching. They keep to themselves and like pickup trucks, but mostly as work vehicles, not for being a yahoo. They are generally the cowboy type. hank Hill from King of the Hill is a Plains redneck. The Plains redneck, culturally, tends to do best when allowed to operate with a small-town mentality. If a small town is not available, a neighborhood association will probably be the largest circle of influence that the thinks at. These are often the most partiotic of Americans, and the most mature, being family men, and wont go looking for trouble. Most "white trash" people who fit the definition of redneck would fall into this category, both by geograhpy and by culture. Hunting is a big pastime for the plains redneck, as are other forms of long-gun shooting. The Plains redneck is also the most likely to shoot you if you trespass on his property, and in most states where these people dwell, that is legal.
The eastern redneck dwells in Missouri, Arkansas, parts of eastern Texas, northern Louisiana, Florida, and Georgia. The stereotypical NASCAR fan is comprised mostly of characteristics drawn from the eastern redneck, although other redneck species enjoy the sport. The eastern redneck is the most common redneck in popular culture. The Dukes of Hazzard are best classified in this group. Cars, trucks, speed in general, drinking, and the stereotypical dumbass stunts that most people associate with the state of unsophistication that is being a redneck are all interests of the eastern, or common redneck.
Don't confuse being a redneck with being a hillbilly. I don't have the time to define "hillbilly" and clarify things, but let me say that the two are not mutually exclusive.
The mountain redneck is a unique sort of redneck native to the mountainous regions of North America. Combining traditional redneck traits with a certain mountain ingenuity, the mountain redneck is the Midwest's answer to Appalachia's hillbillies. Mountain rednecks are found all throughout the Rocky Mountain region, mainly clustered in Colorado and Wyoming. The original mountain men of the wild west are considered by many to be the first mountain rednecks.
The high mountain region is, by nature, less forgiving than the more temperate climates of lower altitudes. The mountain redneck has adapted to face these challenges by placing different values on various sorts of mechanical goodies. The street-custom pickup truck of the East is largely supplanted in mountain redneck culture by a more functional truck, including the SUV (not the crossover type, where it is a car with an SUV shell). The Chevy Blazer is to the mountain redneck what the Ford F-150 is to the common redneck. The mountain redneck also tends to be more reserved in his expressions of jubilation, as it is quite easy to go overboard and fall 1000 feet or get stuck and freeze out in the middle of nowhere.
The main discerning feature in determining whether a specific person tends to fall into the mountain or common redneck categories is, actually, their original geography. Coming from a mountain culture and being a redneck makes you a mountain redneck, unless you do not apply your specific twist to the situation. For example, in the situation above, if my uncle did not live at such a high elevation, he would not have that problem, and thus he must either leave the area, freeze, or use the unique skills learned by those who have literally frozen their asses off before.
The entertainment forms enjoyed by the mountain redneck trend more towards hill climbs than with the common redneck, as well as placing more of an emphasis on winter sports and rock climbing. The rodeo is still popular, but far less than in an area consisting of a mix of Plains and Eastern rednecks.
Some people also include the Dakotas and north-eastern Wyoming in the mountain redneck category, as their winters are harsh and the badlands are a unique geographical problem. The experts are still debating this, as we wait to dispatch a delegation of rednecks to South Dakota to counterbalance the reporting bias caused by the fact that there is not much non-biker redneck traffic through the region.
__________________________________________
Also, please note that a common redneck behavior is the towel-steal. Hardly unique to the redneck population, stealing hotel towels is actually a a mainstream activity. However, finding an excuse to stay at the Motel 8, such as attending a race, every time you need a new set of towels even though you can afford new towels from a store is likely to peg you as a redneck, since you don't see why it may make you look trashy to have towels in your bathroom monogrammed in Sharpie next to the Motel 8 logo. At least it's a nice monogram.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
My name's Jean, I am a politics junkie, and I do not have a survey problem.
Seriously. The only things that I will not tape over to record a political event are motor races, music, and home movies. I would probably tape over porn to record the '08 election results (one tape for every news network, mixed down to one after the night is over) if I ran out of blank tapes, and had porn on tape.
Being the politics junkie that I am, I am a huge fan of this blog, which delves into the math of the elections. I love math, too. Math is delicious. Give me politics, math, and motorcycles, and I will never leave. Give me any two of the above (Paul Sr. from OCC should run for president), and I will be happy all day.
As for my survey problem, unlike some people I know, I do not have one. I am not addicted. But when I ran into this one, I had to try it. You will probably not be finding all of Side 4 on myspace, as I can't get my bloody master tapes digitized. (If you --anyone-- could teach me how to digitize music, especially in quadrophonic but stereo and monophonic are fine, you would be my hero and I will send you cash).
DIRECTIONS:Go to the Wikipedia home page and click "random article". That is your band's name.
Click random article again; that is your album name.
Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.
Now, being a fan of 5 minute and longer songs, this would have to be a double-LP. Yes, I do mean vinyl.
Band name: Recoil. That is so badass, I wish I had thought of it.
Album name: Ralstonia Metallidurans (Say that five times fast.)
Side 1:
1. Stopping Power
2. Capitoline Triad
3. Aubin Nom (I took the liberty of taking wikipedia's (name) and translating it)
Side 2:
1. Pogonia Coat of Arms
2. Komatsu 830E
3. Penken
4. Mayrhofen
Side 3:
1. Minnesota's 5th congressional district (okaaay.... wait, I can write a song for that!)
2. Duke of Brunswick-Lunenburg
3. John Jasperse (I can totally write a song for that, too.)
4. Coventry Bears
Side 4:
1. USS Camden (AOE-2) ( I may drop the AOE-2 bit for the song...)
2. Seagate ST1 (Dude, 12-gigabytes?! That small?!)
3. Slade Hall (this would be fun to wite, too)
4. Burns Flat (I'm dropping the Oklahoma part)
5. Rocketplane Kistler
You know what I just learned reading about Burns Flat? "It is near the Clinton-Sherman Industrial Airpark which is a licenced spaceport expecting to start commercial manned spaceflight starting in 2008." HOLY CRAP! I was not informed.
I seriously cannot wait to go record the songs for Side 4. Just because ya'll will never hear them is because ya'll are lazy, and need to ask people. I've already asked people. They tried to sell me a new recording machine, after having been the ones to sell me my beloved four-track.
Being the politics junkie that I am, I am a huge fan of this blog, which delves into the math of the elections. I love math, too. Math is delicious. Give me politics, math, and motorcycles, and I will never leave. Give me any two of the above (Paul Sr. from OCC should run for president), and I will be happy all day.
As for my survey problem, unlike some people I know, I do not have one. I am not addicted. But when I ran into this one, I had to try it. You will probably not be finding all of Side 4 on myspace, as I can't get my bloody master tapes digitized. (If you --anyone-- could teach me how to digitize music, especially in quadrophonic but stereo and monophonic are fine, you would be my hero and I will send you cash).
DIRECTIONS:Go to the Wikipedia home page and click "random article". That is your band's name.
Click random article again; that is your album name.
Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.
Now, being a fan of 5 minute and longer songs, this would have to be a double-LP. Yes, I do mean vinyl.
Band name: Recoil. That is so badass, I wish I had thought of it.
Album name: Ralstonia Metallidurans (Say that five times fast.)
Side 1:
1. Stopping Power
2. Capitoline Triad
3. Aubin Nom (I took the liberty of taking wikipedia's (name) and translating it)
Side 2:
1. Pogonia Coat of Arms
2. Komatsu 830E
3. Penken
4. Mayrhofen
Side 3:
1. Minnesota's 5th congressional district (okaaay.... wait, I can write a song for that!)
2. Duke of Brunswick-Lunenburg
3. John Jasperse (I can totally write a song for that, too.)
4. Coventry Bears
Side 4:
1. USS Camden (AOE-2) ( I may drop the AOE-2 bit for the song...)
2. Seagate ST1 (Dude, 12-gigabytes?! That small?!)
3. Slade Hall (this would be fun to wite, too)
4. Burns Flat (I'm dropping the Oklahoma part)
5. Rocketplane Kistler
You know what I just learned reading about Burns Flat? "It is near the Clinton-Sherman Industrial Airpark which is a licenced spaceport expecting to start commercial manned spaceflight starting in 2008." HOLY CRAP! I was not informed.
I seriously cannot wait to go record the songs for Side 4. Just because ya'll will never hear them is because ya'll are lazy, and need to ask people. I've already asked people. They tried to sell me a new recording machine, after having been the ones to sell me my beloved four-track.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!
My most articulate title yet. I just went to get some food out of the fridge, and what do I find? The fucking thermometer has fallen apart. Not only had it fallen apart, but it had then gotten frozen to the inside of the fridge. So now, our fridge freezes stuff when we don't want it to, made a thermometer designed to go to -20 crack, stuck said thermometer to the fridge wall with a layer of ice, and I still can't find my favorite shot glass that's in there somewhere.
My solution? I went outside, took the thermometer off the porch, put it in a freezer size Ziploc, and put that in the fridge. It's temporary, until we buy a new fridge thermometer. It'll be in there a while. Outside, I know it's darn cold. In the fridge, I need to be more specific.
What else? Oh, yes. I have recorded a small blues album. And I saw on the news that Purgatory freezes over at night this time of the year. This means that if I can ever get it off the master tapes and into mp3 format, I may consider getting a myspace page to put it on. Can anyone help me with this problem? Is there a program or something? How do I do analog to digital?
Speaking of music, you need to hear this band, everyone. No redneck is complete without his bluegrass and/or country. Johnny 3 Note. Unfortunately you missed "Tear my Still House Down" which was basically the best song ever, but if you ask nicely they might put it back up. They play every Thursday, I think, at White Fence Farm, admission free. You will be blown away.
In other news, Taylor, no one told you about that song because we thought you knew. Sorry.
My solution? I went outside, took the thermometer off the porch, put it in a freezer size Ziploc, and put that in the fridge. It's temporary, until we buy a new fridge thermometer. It'll be in there a while. Outside, I know it's darn cold. In the fridge, I need to be more specific.
What else? Oh, yes. I have recorded a small blues album. And I saw on the news that Purgatory freezes over at night this time of the year. This means that if I can ever get it off the master tapes and into mp3 format, I may consider getting a myspace page to put it on. Can anyone help me with this problem? Is there a program or something? How do I do analog to digital?
Speaking of music, you need to hear this band, everyone. No redneck is complete without his bluegrass and/or country. Johnny 3 Note. Unfortunately you missed "Tear my Still House Down" which was basically the best song ever, but if you ask nicely they might put it back up. They play every Thursday, I think, at White Fence Farm, admission free. You will be blown away.
In other news, Taylor, no one told you about that song because we thought you knew. Sorry.
Good ideas and bad ideas
As you've probably noticed, I harbor a strong dislike for snow. This dislike for snow went from mild irritant to full-blown pet peeve last winter. I'm sure you heard about the 90 days of snow that crippled the Midwest? Don't get me wrong, I love sledding. I am addicted to snowboarding when I don't have to pay through the nose to do it. I wouldn't mind getting suspended for a snowball fight. My contempt for snow lies in its tendency to turn into ice, and that ice to turn into work. Work for which I do not get paid. If I got my ass in gear, I could offer the only ice-removal service that I'm aware of in the area. Snow also makes a horrific mess of my beloved car. The mag chloride destroys the paint and rusts the frame. We've clipped our trees trying to get in the driveway, too, and caused damage to the cars. Overall, I hate snow when it is on paved surfaces or my family's cars.
This brings me to my story. Yesterday I was out removing ice from all the paved surfaces around our home. The melting is also getting on my nerves. When it stays below freezing, the snow sticks around for my snowsport pleasure, and can be plowed off the streets. I only have to deal with it once. But when it gets above freezing, it forms lakes and lakes of ice every night. On a bloody hill, so I can't even go skating on it. I just have to chip it off every freakin' day, before dawn so it's still brittle enough to chip. Yesterday, due to passing out at a really bad time, I found myself outside at three in the afternoon. Just as the ice was too hard to shovel and too soft to chip. If you ever want hours of frustration or maybe a really dastardly punishment for your kids, send them out to remove ice on the first 45 degree day since the snow fell.
Anyway, as I found myself just getting pissed off enough to feel like doing and/or watching something stupid, something stupid dutifully showed up. A boy on an ATV going up an icy hill with King Soopers bags. This would be the ideal way to get around, except this poor bugger had a little 1/2 horsepower air-compressor engine in it. No torque. He couldn't even spin his wheels, all he could do was get off and push it uphill. At one point he got it to where he could spin his wheels (after taking half an hour to go up half a block), and his dad, who was with him, hopped on the back and they proceeded to creep up the rest of the block, revving the engine at the redline. This made my day.
I felt sorry for them, and was tempted to run inside and sell them a better hillclimbing engine, but logic got ahold of me (I want to use that engine and they couldn't afford it) and I just watched the whole absurd spectacle unfold before my eyes. I have never seen an ATV be that hopeless, with that small of a motor. It looked like a kit vehicle, or perhaps one that they put the small motor in so that they didn't have to license it. I don't know. All I know is that they had the right idea but the wrong execution. If anything had gone wrong, I've seen bad bad things happen to vehicles stuck on that hill.
Also, I think I'm going to start an ice removal business and get a little more cash tucked away for when the shit hits the fan. Spekaing of which, look out for my little philosophical piece on the various ways shit can hit the fan. Coming soon to a blog near you.
This brings me to my story. Yesterday I was out removing ice from all the paved surfaces around our home. The melting is also getting on my nerves. When it stays below freezing, the snow sticks around for my snowsport pleasure, and can be plowed off the streets. I only have to deal with it once. But when it gets above freezing, it forms lakes and lakes of ice every night. On a bloody hill, so I can't even go skating on it. I just have to chip it off every freakin' day, before dawn so it's still brittle enough to chip. Yesterday, due to passing out at a really bad time, I found myself outside at three in the afternoon. Just as the ice was too hard to shovel and too soft to chip. If you ever want hours of frustration or maybe a really dastardly punishment for your kids, send them out to remove ice on the first 45 degree day since the snow fell.
Anyway, as I found myself just getting pissed off enough to feel like doing and/or watching something stupid, something stupid dutifully showed up. A boy on an ATV going up an icy hill with King Soopers bags. This would be the ideal way to get around, except this poor bugger had a little 1/2 horsepower air-compressor engine in it. No torque. He couldn't even spin his wheels, all he could do was get off and push it uphill. At one point he got it to where he could spin his wheels (after taking half an hour to go up half a block), and his dad, who was with him, hopped on the back and they proceeded to creep up the rest of the block, revving the engine at the redline. This made my day.
I felt sorry for them, and was tempted to run inside and sell them a better hillclimbing engine, but logic got ahold of me (I want to use that engine and they couldn't afford it) and I just watched the whole absurd spectacle unfold before my eyes. I have never seen an ATV be that hopeless, with that small of a motor. It looked like a kit vehicle, or perhaps one that they put the small motor in so that they didn't have to license it. I don't know. All I know is that they had the right idea but the wrong execution. If anything had gone wrong, I've seen bad bad things happen to vehicles stuck on that hill.
Also, I think I'm going to start an ice removal business and get a little more cash tucked away for when the shit hits the fan. Spekaing of which, look out for my little philosophical piece on the various ways shit can hit the fan. Coming soon to a blog near you.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
An excellent invention
The world has been in great needof one of these, even though we didn't know it. This invention, the so-called "safetybike" was invented by, well, the guys you see in the video. As one astute commentor pointed out, "Your think tank was filled with beer, wasn't it?" This is something that I would probably build a version of and ride at some point. If I ever get around to it, I'll post photos. A wonderful example of what could be described as redneck ingenuity.
Notice the gloves and helmet. An excellent idea.
The wheel behind the driver's head confuses me.
Notice the gloves and helmet. An excellent idea.
The wheel behind the driver's head confuses me.
You don't have room to talk
Let's talk about eligibility. About having room to talk.
If you moved to Phoenix and stayed for 20 years without air conditioning, you are not eligible to complain about the thermostat being set too high.
If your definition of "High Definition" is when you can see at least half the picture, you are not allowed to compare VHS to DVD or Blu-ray.
If you wear velvet regularly, you are not qualified to say "You're going out in that?!"
If you eat fast food, no complaining about restaurant food.
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If your moving boxes are liquor boxes, There's no "might" about it, you are a redneck.
Speaking of liquor, some rednecks save money on hard cider by buying non-alcoholic and letting it ferment.
New year's parties: the redneck way. In fact, this applies to any wintertime party, and cooking in general. When there is a foot of snow outside, having to --and especially voluntarily-- going outside to cook dinner implies that you are unsophisticated, and probably don't think all the way through whether or not things are a good idea. Especially if you do said cooking in a t-shirt.
______________________________________________________________
While I'm on the topic of New Year's, these folks have come up with a great video about the proper way to do New Year's resolutions.
If you moved to Phoenix and stayed for 20 years without air conditioning, you are not eligible to complain about the thermostat being set too high.
If your definition of "High Definition" is when you can see at least half the picture, you are not allowed to compare VHS to DVD or Blu-ray.
If you wear velvet regularly, you are not qualified to say "You're going out in that?!"
If you eat fast food, no complaining about restaurant food.
_____________________________________
If your moving boxes are liquor boxes, There's no "might" about it, you are a redneck.
Speaking of liquor, some rednecks save money on hard cider by buying non-alcoholic and letting it ferment.
New year's parties: the redneck way. In fact, this applies to any wintertime party, and cooking in general. When there is a foot of snow outside, having to --and especially voluntarily-- going outside to cook dinner implies that you are unsophisticated, and probably don't think all the way through whether or not things are a good idea. Especially if you do said cooking in a t-shirt.
______________________________________________________________
While I'm on the topic of New Year's, these folks have come up with a great video about the proper way to do New Year's resolutions.
Advertisements and the people on TV who should not be breeding.
There are many ads this time of year (and any time of year) that really piss me off. The first one is the weight-loss ads that are all over the TV. We all know that people overeat around this time of year, and these piranhas want to sell their speed and their snake oil and their herbal poisons to people who don't now any better. I can't watch anything on TV without these ads showing up. And I wind up shouting at the TV.
Lemme tell you, all these "this is bad for you" and "that is the wrong thing to eat" propaganda campaigns really make me mad. I have known people that have ate "unhealthy" and smoked and drank, and they lived into their 70s and 80s, without modern medical paranoia. How'd they do it? Well, first, they ate real food. Not processed food. Some of 'em raised their own critters before they ate 'em. Real food, even if it is eggs and mayonaise and whole milk and lard, is better for you than all of these chemistry-lab ingredients that are in modern processed foods. Eat canned foods if you don't have time to prepare meals. I was at the supermarket last night, and guess what I found in ice cream? Cellulose gel. Let me repeat that again. Cellulose gel. That's wood gel. That's the gel form of smokeless powder, for crying out loud. I don't want that in my ice cream! Do you know what's in Minute Maid? Glycerol ester of wood rosin. I don't even want to know how the fuck that's edible.
But suppose you eat just like you normally do, and still can't lose weight. Here's a thought that will lower your energy bill and help you lose weight without lifting a finger. Lower the thermostat a couple degrees and dress like you would if it was warmer. You'll burn more calories to stay warm. Put on some socks and you'll be fine.
Another solution? Chew gum at all times in between meals. Then it'll be too much of a hassle to go get a snack.
Lose the remote for a while. Having to get up to change the channel and adjust volume burns caloies. It also encourages you to be less of a couch potato. And, frantically looking for the remote is a good cardiovasular workout. Who knew?
But suppose you are still desperate and want to go buy whatever the lastest really expensive craze is. Well, my first response would be to shout that you're gullible and lazy. You're wasting money. Go shovel your diveway before you get a ticket. That burns calories, too.
Speaking of weight loss, and commercials, have you seen the commercial for the diet pill where, "in clinical trials, 78% of every pound lost was pure body fat." Where's the other 22% coming from, smartass? Your brain? Muscles? Bone? I'm not sure I really needed that femur... Water? Intestinal lining? That sounds like the diet pill equivalent of dysentery. No, thank you.
Now you've heard what I like to shout at the TV when a weight loss ad comes on promising some magical cure.
It's time to talk about the other things they sell on TV. Things I like to shout at. The things that convince you that you have a problem that you never had before and that the only way to solve it is four easy payments of 19.95! Call now and we'll admit that we're overcharging you by at least 19.95, because we'll waive the first payment!
A prime example of this is those gloves that they have that will sand the skin off of your potatoes. That's a brilliant idea, but there's really no way to wash them. But what really annoys me is the fact that the people who have the poblems in those ads are always acting like retards. The knife sharpener ad has the guy smashing the loaf of bread with his hand behind the knife, which he is not drawing across the bread, only pushing down on it. Then, the sharpener, regardless of what it did to his poor knife, has apparently taught him how to cut bread, as he uses light pressure and cuts ACROSS the bread effortlessly. Plus, who doesn't have sliced bread nowadays? what are you cooking it yourself? And you never stopped to learn how to cut it? Shame. In the sandpaper gloves ad, the woman is going to hurt herself or something the way she's peeling them. You don't peel a potato by having a seizure and stabbing it repeatedly.
And have you seen the ad for that food processor thing that's too complicated to use? Yeah, that. It looks simple, but how the hell are you gooing to store all those "bullet" containers? They'll roll all over the place!
There's another ad for some kind of slicer that will slice all your vegetables for you in more steps, time, and cleanup than it takes to slice them yourself. The woman in that ad is going to cut off a finger or something, too, the way she's holding the knife and then sticking her other hand right under it. I don't chop that way. Then they show her with an onion on the cutting board --whole and rolling all over the goddamned place-- and she just freaks out and starts whacking at it with the knife. She doesn't need a slicer, she needs medication.
Now, one infomercial I can say that I really enjoy is that one for the uber-sharp knives that'll never go dull or they'll send you replacements. You know, the one where they cut sheetrock with the knife, and then without changing cameras, toss a pineapple in the air and slice it in half? That is bad-ass. Like a samurai sword. I want one of those. I've got sheetrock and bricks to cut, and I could get a pineapple. That's the coolest thing to do with a big knife since Moldy Pumpkn Machete Baseball.
Lemme tell you, all these "this is bad for you" and "that is the wrong thing to eat" propaganda campaigns really make me mad. I have known people that have ate "unhealthy" and smoked and drank, and they lived into their 70s and 80s, without modern medical paranoia. How'd they do it? Well, first, they ate real food. Not processed food. Some of 'em raised their own critters before they ate 'em. Real food, even if it is eggs and mayonaise and whole milk and lard, is better for you than all of these chemistry-lab ingredients that are in modern processed foods. Eat canned foods if you don't have time to prepare meals. I was at the supermarket last night, and guess what I found in ice cream? Cellulose gel. Let me repeat that again. Cellulose gel. That's wood gel. That's the gel form of smokeless powder, for crying out loud. I don't want that in my ice cream! Do you know what's in Minute Maid? Glycerol ester of wood rosin. I don't even want to know how the fuck that's edible.
But suppose you eat just like you normally do, and still can't lose weight. Here's a thought that will lower your energy bill and help you lose weight without lifting a finger. Lower the thermostat a couple degrees and dress like you would if it was warmer. You'll burn more calories to stay warm. Put on some socks and you'll be fine.
Another solution? Chew gum at all times in between meals. Then it'll be too much of a hassle to go get a snack.
Lose the remote for a while. Having to get up to change the channel and adjust volume burns caloies. It also encourages you to be less of a couch potato. And, frantically looking for the remote is a good cardiovasular workout. Who knew?
But suppose you are still desperate and want to go buy whatever the lastest really expensive craze is. Well, my first response would be to shout that you're gullible and lazy. You're wasting money. Go shovel your diveway before you get a ticket. That burns calories, too.
Speaking of weight loss, and commercials, have you seen the commercial for the diet pill where, "in clinical trials, 78% of every pound lost was pure body fat." Where's the other 22% coming from, smartass? Your brain? Muscles? Bone? I'm not sure I really needed that femur... Water? Intestinal lining? That sounds like the diet pill equivalent of dysentery. No, thank you.
Now you've heard what I like to shout at the TV when a weight loss ad comes on promising some magical cure.
It's time to talk about the other things they sell on TV. Things I like to shout at. The things that convince you that you have a problem that you never had before and that the only way to solve it is four easy payments of 19.95! Call now and we'll admit that we're overcharging you by at least 19.95, because we'll waive the first payment!
A prime example of this is those gloves that they have that will sand the skin off of your potatoes. That's a brilliant idea, but there's really no way to wash them. But what really annoys me is the fact that the people who have the poblems in those ads are always acting like retards. The knife sharpener ad has the guy smashing the loaf of bread with his hand behind the knife, which he is not drawing across the bread, only pushing down on it. Then, the sharpener, regardless of what it did to his poor knife, has apparently taught him how to cut bread, as he uses light pressure and cuts ACROSS the bread effortlessly. Plus, who doesn't have sliced bread nowadays? what are you cooking it yourself? And you never stopped to learn how to cut it? Shame. In the sandpaper gloves ad, the woman is going to hurt herself or something the way she's peeling them. You don't peel a potato by having a seizure and stabbing it repeatedly.
And have you seen the ad for that food processor thing that's too complicated to use? Yeah, that. It looks simple, but how the hell are you gooing to store all those "bullet" containers? They'll roll all over the place!
There's another ad for some kind of slicer that will slice all your vegetables for you in more steps, time, and cleanup than it takes to slice them yourself. The woman in that ad is going to cut off a finger or something, too, the way she's holding the knife and then sticking her other hand right under it. I don't chop that way. Then they show her with an onion on the cutting board --whole and rolling all over the goddamned place-- and she just freaks out and starts whacking at it with the knife. She doesn't need a slicer, she needs medication.
Now, one infomercial I can say that I really enjoy is that one for the uber-sharp knives that'll never go dull or they'll send you replacements. You know, the one where they cut sheetrock with the knife, and then without changing cameras, toss a pineapple in the air and slice it in half? That is bad-ass. Like a samurai sword. I want one of those. I've got sheetrock and bricks to cut, and I could get a pineapple. That's the coolest thing to do with a big knife since Moldy Pumpkn Machete Baseball.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Holiday spirit
Many of you are wondering whether you turn into a redneck around the holidays. That's mighty handy, because it gives me something to do. Maybe the holidays are the only time you're not a redneck. That's fine, too.
Many people have no problems giving fruitcakes as gifts. I believe the reason for this is as some sort of metaphor for dumping useless things on the laps of people who bother us. Most people believe that it is not a metaphor, that fruitcakes really are useless. This is not true. Just because you don't eat the fruitcakes you receive does not mean that you don't use them in some way.
How do you normally deal with a fruitcake until you can get rid of it? If your partner bought you something you didn't like for your birthday, you might keep it, you might discreetly return it. But it is found almost universally tacky to pass on that gift to someone else as a gift. And yet, the preferred fruitcake disposal method that I have encountered is to pass it on to someone else. Sometimes even at the same party. Other times, people will keep it for a year and ship it to the offending gifter, postage due.
These are unsophisticated solutions, especially taking the fruitbrick from Aunt Bea, walking halfway across the room, and giving it to Cousin Sue.
Another instance where we will behave in a different manner around the holidays is with our neighbors. The rest of the year, our relationships with them are often cordial, fleeting, and full of assumptions about the other person's opinion of us. But when the holiday season draws near, things simplify to a lighting contest. Bigger is better. Simple, unsophisticated logic.
Many of you are likely great friends with your neighbors around this time of year. You might help each other with your decorations, or go to the same parties. There is no major competition between you. You might think that this keeps you safe from making a redneck out of yourself. You're wrong. You'll see.
While I'm on the subject of holiday parties, I would like to talk a bit about Thanksgiving, the holiday that just passed. Turkey Day is often a great time for families to get together, catch up, and park on the lawn. When the party is in a remote part of Penrose (which is itself pretty remote), a paved parking area is logically out of the question. The area of ground undergoing lawn-pattern-baldness because you're letting it grow wild is a very good place to park a fleet of vehicles. They'll even knock back some of the taller weeds. That degree of parking flexibility, though, will not be available to suburbanites, or those who find themselves hosting a large shindig in their apartment, condo, or loft. Think ahead before hosting a get-together this Christmas if you live in an area that doens't have the appropriate parking. Your well-trimmed and fed Kentucky Blues won't take kindly to a visitor's Taurus. It is rather rude and will redden your neck when you allow 30 cars to park up and down your residential block just to keep them off your grass.
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