It's gonna be a cold day, Tater.

The title is an adaptation of Ron White's quip about how after he hides M&Ms in his bulldog Sluggo's jowls, Sluggo will look at Ron and say, "It's gonna be a good day, Tater."

My uncle used to live in a trailer in Edwards, Colorado. For those of you who don't know, all of Eagle County is damn cold. This man is a mountain redneck, like many people I am related to. He nearly died a couple of times of that cold until he went deer hunting and bagged a deer big enough to make a blanket out of. He sent it out to get the leather cured ("But leave the fur on!"), and would sleep under that through the winters. He said it was incredibly warm, but when you got up in the morning, if you could exhale and see your breath hit the far wall, it was gonna be a cold day. Of course, that's having no furnace. When you wake up and can see your breath in a heated house, you have a problem. It's gonna be a cold day. I don't even want to consider what tomorrow is going to be like. This morning, my breath didn't hit the far wall, and it's cold in here. Like I said, if you've been running the furnace, you should not see your breath on a mild night.

Let me give you a taxonomy of rednecks. The second-most famous rednecks are the Plains rednecks. Their natural habitat lies primarily in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and parts of Nebraska and Colorado. Culturally, they thrive on wide-open spaces and tend to have an affinity for horses and ranching. They keep to themselves and like pickup trucks, but mostly as work vehicles, not for being a yahoo. They are generally the cowboy type. hank Hill from King of the Hill is a Plains redneck. The Plains redneck, culturally, tends to do best when allowed to operate with a small-town mentality. If a small town is not available, a neighborhood association will probably be the largest circle of influence that the thinks at. These are often the most partiotic of Americans, and the most mature, being family men, and wont go looking for trouble. Most "white trash" people who fit the definition of redneck would fall into this category, both by geograhpy and by culture. Hunting is a big pastime for the plains redneck, as are other forms of long-gun shooting. The Plains redneck is also the most likely to shoot you if you trespass on his property, and in most states where these people dwell, that is legal.

The eastern redneck dwells in Missouri, Arkansas, parts of eastern Texas, northern Louisiana, Florida, and Georgia. The stereotypical NASCAR fan is comprised mostly of characteristics drawn from the eastern redneck, although other redneck species enjoy the sport. The eastern redneck is the most common redneck in popular culture. The Dukes of Hazzard are best classified in this group. Cars, trucks, speed in general, drinking, and the stereotypical dumbass stunts that most people associate with the state of unsophistication that is being a redneck are all interests of the eastern, or common redneck.

Don't confuse being a redneck with being a hillbilly. I don't have the time to define "hillbilly" and clarify things, but let me say that the two are not mutually exclusive.

The mountain redneck is a unique sort of redneck native to the mountainous regions of North America. Combining traditional redneck traits with a certain mountain ingenuity, the mountain redneck is the Midwest's answer to Appalachia's hillbillies. Mountain rednecks are found all throughout the Rocky Mountain region, mainly clustered in Colorado and Wyoming. The original mountain men of the wild west are considered by many to be the first mountain rednecks.

The high mountain region is, by nature, less forgiving than the more temperate climates of lower altitudes. The mountain redneck has adapted to face these challenges by placing different values on various sorts of mechanical goodies. The street-custom pickup truck of the East is largely supplanted in mountain redneck culture by a more functional truck, including the SUV (not the crossover type, where it is a car with an SUV shell). The Chevy Blazer is to the mountain redneck what the Ford F-150 is to the common redneck. The mountain redneck also tends to be more reserved in his expressions of jubilation, as it is quite easy to go overboard and fall 1000 feet or get stuck and freeze out in the middle of nowhere.

The main discerning feature in determining whether a specific person tends to fall into the mountain or common redneck categories is, actually, their original geography. Coming from a mountain culture and being a redneck makes you a mountain redneck, unless you do not apply your specific twist to the situation. For example, in the situation above, if my uncle did not live at such a high elevation, he would not have that problem, and thus he must either leave the area, freeze, or use the unique skills learned by those who have literally frozen their asses off before.

The entertainment forms enjoyed by the mountain redneck trend more towards hill climbs than with the common redneck, as well as placing more of an emphasis on winter sports and rock climbing. The rodeo is still popular, but far less than in an area consisting of a mix of Plains and Eastern rednecks.

Some people also include the Dakotas and north-eastern Wyoming in the mountain redneck category, as their winters are harsh and the badlands are a unique geographical problem. The experts are still debating this, as we wait to dispatch a delegation of rednecks to South Dakota to counterbalance the reporting bias caused by the fact that there is not much non-biker redneck traffic through the region.

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Also, please note that a common redneck behavior is the towel-steal. Hardly unique to the redneck population, stealing hotel towels is actually a a mainstream activity. However, finding an excuse to stay at the Motel 8, such as attending a race, every time you need a new set of towels even though you can afford new towels from a store is likely to peg you as a redneck, since you don't see why it may make you look trashy to have towels in your bathroom monogrammed in Sharpie next to the Motel 8 logo. At least it's a nice monogram.