You might be a redneck

If you hide under your trailer when there's a tornado warning, you might be a redneck.

If you have a truck that couold haul that trailer across a boulder fieled at 70 miles an hour without flinching, but you hide under the trailer anyway, you are a redneck.

If the amount of CDs you take with you on vacation is measured in gallons, you might be a redneck.

If you have ever oiled your boots with 10w-30 because you had it laying around, you might be a redneck.

If your lawnmower always starts on the first kick, you might be a redneck.

Hispanics have large, close-knit families. So do white trash. If we know any family at all, we know 300 relatives. As far as we're concerned, if your third-cousin's brother-in-law married an Osmond, the Osmonds are now your family and are entitled to come to your annual pig roasts. If your great aunt's grand-daughter is graduating from high school, you are invited and will think nothing of driving 250 miles round trip to get there.

I like flowers and I'm okay with that.

Not as in, show up at my door with flowers, ladies. Show up at my door with an El Camino for sale, and we'll talk. I'm talking about plant-wise, flowers are very good plants to have. It's often observed that rednecks rarely have any grass. That's true. But, frankly, I couldn't turn my lawn completely dirt if I dug it up and shipped away all the plants. With the eception of where I spilled mineral spirits that time, and the one corner that the power company poisoned, plants love our property. Back when we owned a cabin in Cascade, plants loved that, too. You'd be amazed how quickly trees and grass and God-knows-what would sprout after a rain, even if the property next door couldn't get jack shit to grow.

My theory is that this unintentional green thumb is because I'm not picky about plants. Thistle? Bring it on, but stay on the property line, please. Wild rose? Upwind and not near where I'm walking, but stick around. Crocus? Where have crocus not sprouted lately? Grass? Only if it wants to be there all on its own. Elm? If it doesn't sprout in the middle of an open space, it gets to stay, but no bigger than a shrub, please. Lilac? Everywhere it wants to be. That odd, low grass that looks like rosemary and blooms an incredible blue? Great! Dandelions? Yes please. Mushrooms? How'd they get enough water? Let 'em stay, keep the dogs away.

If it's green and wants to live there all on its own, it's a good plant and can stay. Clover? Sure. Weeds? They never need watered. Dirt turns to mud, mud gets on cars, the cars rust. I don't have time for bare dirt.

Anything that flowers is especially welcome in my yard. King Iris are amazingly purple, huge, and fragrant. My preferred cologne may be eau de unleaded, but when I'm not working on that, the sweet smell of flowers is a welcome event in my yard.

I'm also not ashamed to leave my grass clippings in the lawn (for something that doesn't get watered except by rain in a place that's almost desert, you would not believe the amount of grass that grows here) and let those clippings turn brown and decompose. Saves me money on fertilizer and all the effort of raking it. Plus, it must keep water in the soil or something.

Life will find a way. Ignore your yard long enough and green things will move in with no effort on your part. Even if it's poison ivy, just stay on the concrete and it'll keep would-be trespassers away. Even grass will get used to it... well, mine has.